Christmas Party At The Elrics
by Potions for Foxes
Summary: Trisha Elric, a recently published writer, has never been good at telling people no. So when Dante, a renowned author, invites herself to the Elric’s Christmas party, Trisha acquiesces and invites the entire Alighieri-Sraoilleog-Grådighet family over.
1. Chapter 1

Well, I felt like doing something Christmas-y and realized that unless I wanted to be writing about Christmas until spring, that I should start in advance. Hence, the story is essentially finished. I started it after reading the Gossip Girl books, so that's where the odd tense comes from as well as the few first person remarks. In my defense, the first chapter of Harry Potter starts out that way.

But I actually liked Gossip Girl, very catty, very materialistic, very shallow. It's responsible for my worst nightmare. Which is when Blaire and Serena open all their college letters and Blaire gets in nowhere and Serena gets in everywhere. Yeah, my nightmare features me in Blaire's shoes.

But yeah, this is not my normal style. The relationship is rushed, but in typical me fashion is not a one-night stand, but continues. However, there is angst, waltz-tango, long toes, mistletoe, carolers, and there's even snow! (read: blizzard). So, basic holiday stuff, with some sexy stuff and some humor and some pretty bizarre pairings. In fact, some of them scare me. A lot.

I have sketches, which hopefully will end up on my Deviant Art page. Let's hope for motivation and some computer coloring. Dante's hard to draw, currently she's a cross between Google Images "Italian woman" and Alanis Morissette plus a cat. Sexy, withered, and just a little creepy. Which is pretty much Dante.

And yes, Christmas is my favorite holiday and I don't do waiting well…

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA (otherwise it wouldn't be finished), Bebe, any brand name stuff mentioned. Nor do I own any smelling salts.

**Prologue.**

Trisha Elric had held many jobs over the years. With a major in business from Columbia and a knack for marketing, Trisha had made herself an asset to many companies. She'd worked in PR, marketing research, management, and sales. She was an excellent secretary and successful receptionist. Trisha attributed this multifaceted success to people skills and a head for numbers. While this was certainly true, another quality contributed to Trisha's rise in the corporate world: her inability to say 'no.'

Thus she was often roped into things that a normal person would have refused. Fortunately for her, she was good at a lot of those things and when she didn't know something, she'd either learn it or come up with a better idea. Bosses loved her. She could handle just about any problem and if she couldn't, well she'd come up with something brilliant and vastly superior to the original idea.

However, Trisha honestly wouldn't describe herself as a business genius. No, if she was really honest, she'd say marketing assistant, secretary, or aspiring writer. Writing was the one thing Trisha had never pursued. Her Midwestern parents had scoffed at English majors, considering them worthless degrees (which is pretty much true, unless you want to teach English, write, or waste your parents' tuition money). She'd taken advanced courses in high school, stating that four years was required and honors and AP looked good on college applications.

In college, she'd enjoyed the English courses, but always wished she could have taken something like Medieval Literature or Romantic Poetry. However, her parents were paying for most of her tuition, so she majored instead in Business.

That didn't stop her from writing short, little sketches on the side. Sketches that later turned into scenes. Scenes that became part of short stories that she'd edit on her lunch breaks. Short stories which after a while amounted to a small compilation of short stories. Short stories that lengthened into novels-in-progress.

It was when Trisha typed the final words to her story that she realized she had a problem. What was she going to do now that she had finished it? Should she just let it gather virtual dust on her hard drive? Should she post it on the Internet like she'd done with the fanfiction of her youth? On a whim she googled "submitting a manuscript" and began formatting immediately.

Trisha Elric, aspiring writer, submitted the manuscript to Lazy Cats Publishing. Three days later, Trisha Elric, part-time writer, sold the second edition rights to Random House. Trisha waited eagerly for news of the book. There were visions of media appearances, book signings, and possibly being accepted into Oprah's book club.

One month later, _The End of The Academy _was at an undisclosed (Trisha was embarrassed to admit to the exact number) Amazon Book rank. That was when the renowned authoress, respected historian, honored TV mystery narrator (she pulled off disembodied-voice-of-the-murder-victim like no other), world traveler, famous translator, gourmet chef, and general household name, Dante Alighieri-Sraoilleog-Grådighet said that, and I quote, "The End of The Academy is worth reading."

Bam.

Instant bestseller. In several countries.

Trisha was amazed. She was stunned. She was flabbergasted. (She was also mildly put out that her book needed help to be appreciated, but that was a small part that shriveled and died when she received the royalties check.) Mainly, she was speechless. Dante Alighieri-Sraoilleog-Grådighet had not only read, but liked her book enough to recommend it to the world (when you were as famous as Dante Alighieri-Sraoilleog-Grådighet any recommendation was to the world).

Trisha called in sick that day, hoping to spend the time when her sons, Alphonse and Edward, were at school to craft a suitable thank you. After spending the morning complying a printed mass of all the interviews and comments Dante Alighieri-Sraoilleog-Grådighet had ever made (another one of Trisha's talents was superhumanly efficient researching), Trisha retired to her bed with a pen, paper, clipboard, and a package of Queen Anne Chocolate Covered Cherries.

Pen poised above the blank white page as she savored the remains of the firs t cherry, Trisha realized this: she had absolutely no idea what to write.

How do you thank the woman who has single handedly made your literary career without sounding fawning? Dante's (Trisha felt a chill run down her spine at referring to her idol by her first name only. Even though it was only in her head, it still felt like she was taking liberties) comment may have just been an honest remark, not meant to cause a widespread demand for the book. Dante Alighieri-Sraoilleog-Grådighet (Trisha didn't take liberties as a general rule. This was yet another thing her bosses loved about her) may have meant it in the same way one would say … come to think of it, there really wasn't anyway the statement "The End of The Academy is a book worth reading" couldn't be construed as anything but positive.

But maybe it was just an offhand comment. Like Dante Alighieri-Sraoilleog-Grådighet made those. Nonetheless, Trisha checked the context of the remark. Dante had been asked about several other best sellers and had responded monosyllabically. When asked if there was any book she liked this year, she'd named Trisha's.

Well damn, how do you write a thank you note for that?

Trisha didn't know. She didn't know after an hour and she didn't know when all of the cherries were gone. In the end, Trisha spent the rest of the day working on another one of her novels-in-progress. She took the next five days off. Then she quit her job.

Well, not technically. Her boss had been so distraught at the prospect of losing her that she was now on an extended leave. The type young mothers take to raise their children. Everything was going well, when Trisha got a letter some time in November. It was from Random House.

At the time, she'd sighed and hoped it wasn't another one demanding a sequel, book signing tour, or another book. It was far too thick for a royalties check. She opened it and nearly fainted.

They were asking her about a possible translation and were wondering if she'd mind if Dante Alighieri-Sraoilleog-Grådighet was the translator.

Mind!

Mind?

Not in Trisha's wildest dreams had she imagined this. She reread the letter. Apparently, Dante had contacted Random House and _asked _to do the translation. Trisha was stunned.

Of course she was even more stunned when Dante asked if she wouldn't mind meeting in person in, say, December. Sure the day that worked best for Dante was also the evening of the Elric's Christmas Party, which Trisha had offered to cancel. But Dante wouldn't hear of that. Trisha had then expected Dante to suggest another date. Instead, Dante Alighieri-Sraoilleog-Grådighet invited herself and children (all of her children) to the Elric's party. Trisha was thrilled; however, that word can hardly be used to describe the reactions of Hohenheim, Edward, and Alphonse. They reacted to the change in plans with varying degrees of trepidation.


	2. Chapter 2

So, you're getting this with the prologue because I'm a nice person and need to gauge interest in this and the prologue, I feel, wouldn't be accurate. But yeah. It's just a lighthearted Christmas piece. I just need to remember the _lighthearted _part.

I'm not abandoning Stuttering Toward Ecstasy either, I plan on getting chapter 11 done soon. Hopefully. Along with all that AP Chem. I need to stop procrastinating…

Chapter 1

Edward Elric was not on time. This was not unduly unusual. However, it was slightly planned, sorta. There were some events completely out of his control: road conditions, length of rugby practice, long goodbyes, but mainly, it was planned.

Ed had hoped to miss the embarrassed loitering before the Christmas Party of DOOM, the awkward shuffling as guests trickled in, the painful small talk with the neighbors, and the arrival of the Rockbells. Especially the latter. He didn't want to run into Winry, not after their not so great break up two hours, forty-two minutes, and ten seconds ago that had occurred after a certain action of farewell committed two hours, forty-three minutes, and thirty-nine seconds ago. Sometimes Edward wished his watched didn't keep track of the seconds.

Ideally, Ed thought as he pulled up next to the crowded curbed, everyone was tipsy, or at least buzzed. Ed had always felt that that was the real draw of the Elric's party. The cider was always spiked, the eggnog was always hard, and then there was the fact that while Hohenheim was working as a corporate lawyer, he was pretending to be an alcohol connoisseur. Ed trusted that Winry was mad enough to do something stupid, like drink the cider in the bowl as opposed to the stove (which was the kiddy cider). Or at least drink the eggnog from the pitcher instead of the cartoon. Alcohol helped cloud judgment and Ed could use some clouded Winry judgment right now.

Ed sighed as he hauled his sports bag out of the car. It reeked. The rugby gear he was wearing reeked. He probably smelled too. But that was part of his plan. Not only did it cut down on the neighborly hugs, but it also gave him a reason to disappear upstairs for a clothes change and shower (both of which might take hours).

Oh yes, Edward Elric had planned this very well.

It was utter chaos when Ed opened the door. A neighbor woman came at him, arms outstretched, then smelled Ed and changed her course. Ed spotted his dad talking to some slightly intimidated neighbors, the new ones obviously.

A bouncing, blond, blonder, and dark haired trio zoomed by. Ed recognized Al and Fletcher, but the black haired boy was new. His shaggy black hair set him apart from short-haired Fletcher and Al's obsessively maintained pony tail. Edward stared in confusion as they circled around him.

"ThisisWrath! ThisisWrath!" Al jibbered happily. He was speaking extremely fast and Edward detected a sugar high.

"Roth?" Ed asked. He wasn't quite sure about the name. But that might have just been that fact that Al had spoken it extremely fast.

"Wrath," the dark one replied fixing Ed with a purple stare. Edward raised his eyebrows. Who names their child Wrath? Or perhaps it was Rath, which could be a variant of Roth or a nickname. Ed was inclined to give the benefit of the doubt.

"ThisisEd! ThisisEd!" Fletcher babbled.

"Ted?"

"Edward!"

Ed looked up. It was his mom. She just moved away from a buxom woman in a supremely low-cut dress. Ed recognized the dress. Bebe, he was sure. It'd made an appearance in Ed and Winry's IM game: Imagine Me In This (It consists of the two sending pictures with the phrase "Now, imagine me in this." Sometimes it was dirty, other times it was just bizarre. Sometimes it turned into Imagine You In This, or I'm Imagining You In This.). Edward's comment on the dress had been 'I don't think it'd look that great on you, the model's flat chested.'

Edward stared at the woman (currently feeding hors devours to a short, fat man whom Ed hoped was her son and _not_ her husband). Apparently he was wrong. Large busted women could wear that dress and look good in it.

Edward's mother drew near. Ed braced himself for the scolding over being late.

"You're late what are—shower. Now!" she pointed towards the stairs. Ed was only too happy to follow her advice.

On the landing he came across Russell sitting next to a disturbed and irate looking female. Nothing terribly unusual. Though the female was usually Winry and she was mad because Ed wasn't protective enough.

Ed eyed Russell's antlers, holly tie, white shirt, and dark green pants. Holiday casual. Edward's least favorite code of dress.

The girl was something else though. And Edward couldn't stop staring at her. (Even though he'd broken up with his girlfriend two hours, forty-six minutes, and eight seconds ago.) She was wearing a grey-darker-grey turtleneck of something expensive, silver fishnets, maroon, purple, white, and berry striped toesocks, with a glittering deep wine cocktail dress over it. And a Santa hat. Moreover, she looked kind of hot instead of freakish. Props to her.

Edward winced when Russell tried to make good use of his freakishly long toes and caressed the girl's foot. Like most of the guinea pigs, she looked repulsed instead of turned on.

Ed cleared his throat, eliciting a glare from Russell and a relieved sigh from the girl.

"Edward, may I have the pleasure of—"

"Sloth Sraoilleog, second marriage," the girl said sharply. "And this is Hell."

"No, there's no alcohol in Hell," Edward replied and this time his brain didn't even try to provide him with a reasonable alternative. Her name was simply Sloth and her mother had to be this Dante woman. "Try the eggnog in the pitcher or the cider on the counter. Trust me, it's good."

"Really," Sloth said with renewed interest. "Will you stay?"

Though she looked hopeful, Ed shook his head. Winry would kill him, or Russell would. And besides, Ed owed Russell. He'd been the one to date Winry (and boy had he screwed that one up).

"I have to shower," he said, pointing to his sports bag. Sloth wrinkled her elegant nose and nodded.

"Shower."

Then she turned to Russell.

"Well, why aren't you fetching me some of the eggnog or cider?" she demanded. Ed changed his mind. He was not sorry at all that Guy Rules dictated that this one went to Russell. He could have her.

"Because the alcohol beverage filching works best with a distraction," Russell replied, surprisingly suavely. "Care to be mine?"

She placed her hand in Russell's outstretched one.

"If I must."

Edward turned and walked up the rest of the stairs.

"Oh it's so nice you see you Mrs. Rockbell!"

Edward started running. He was so not ready for his ex.


	3. Chapter 3

I very glad you liked this. I swear to God I will finish this before Christmas, even if I have to stay up and it's only the 24th in another timezone. I love all the reviews I've gotten. I'd love to list you all, but I've already replied to your reviews, so it'd just irritate non-reviewers. On that note, I'd like to thank Zensqufor reminding me that Envy and Ed had not met and leaving it off there was rather cruel. I was going to wait until I'd finished chapter 7 but decided not to. Thank Zensqu for that.

I love the new feature that allows me to track my readers by country and whether it's a hit or a visit.

Us (of course), Australia, Canada, Norway, UK, Denmark, Finland(a "home" country of mine), Sweden, Brazil, France, Romania, Malaysia, Hungary, Ireland (another home country), and Russia.

This begs the question, how does know where we live?

Oh and this chapter's angsty.

So I think I might give you three as well…hmmm

Chapter 2

There was another reason that Edward had neglected to shower at school. It wasn't because Edward was bothered by showering in front of his naked teammates. They were all equally naked and equally embarrassed. Ed had had four years to get used to the practice and yet, he still preferred to shower at home when at all possible.

It had a lot to do with the teasing.

Everyone was teased and it was all harmless. Edward just found it needlessly irritating. He didn't get the whole faux gay come-ons anymore. Not after the way he reacted (violently) the first time. The team was convinced that Ed knew someone who was gay. Some liked to believe that person had been killed by anti-gay people. Others thought that Ed was a hardcore closet homophobe. A few of the more perceptive ones thought that Ed was gay, questioning, or his brother was. All agreed it was best not to mention the subject, ever. Unless, Ed was drunk. But for someone of his stature, he had an amazing alcohol tolerance.

Which brings us to how Ed _was_ teased. The team found it hilarious how Ed had grown 15 centimeters since entering high school and was currently only 167 centimeters tall when measured correctly. (Correctly, according to Ed, which meant in the morning, after he'd stretched out his back and spiked his hair.) Edward Elric didn't find this all that funny.

The other thing was his hair (his eyes, like the gay come-ons, were off limits). It was long and blond and he used conditioner. Unscented conditioner, but conditioner nonetheless. Protests that his hair got puffy were considered comedic. That and Edward could French braid his own hair. _Girls _couldn't even do that.

But I digress, the point is Edward Elric likes to shower at home or alone and the fact that showering was giving Winry more time to cloud her judgment was only an added bonus.

Edward stopped when he reached the top of the stairs. Someone was in his room. The person has their back turned to Ed, so he can't decide if the figure is male or female. Sure they have long dark, _green (!)_ hair and are wearing the type of baggy beige pants advertised in GAP commercials as "boyfriend" fit; but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Well, the pants might. They're just the thing a girl would consider fashionable, but they look a sight more comfortable than the type of slacks Russell wears. Trust fashion designers to give the girls the comfortable stuff. (It is worth noting that Edward Elric has never worn a bra.)

The long hair covers most of the back, but Edward sees the sleeves of a white oxford and, as the person moves, a glimpse of a vest. Girl. All the clothing clues point towards girl.

But something doesn't fit. Boy. If you asked Edward right now what he thought the gender of the intruder was and he said the first thing on his mind, it'd be male. He wouldn't be able to say why or explain.

He'd be right too.

"Hey what are you—" Ed says sharply before stopping. The person turns around. And despite the high-cut pants, black vest with only the first buttons buttoned, over-sized green tie, long hair, smudged eyeliner (or is it mascara?), the figure is definitely, without a doubt, male .

Not that Ed's thinking about sex or gender anymore. His currently thoughts are: _Oh my God!—Gorgeous_.

The second thing that Ed notices is that the boy looks like his dog died or his cat got run over. He was also holding a photo of Ed's old dog (well, it was the neighbor's dog), Alexander.

"Are you okay?" Ed asks, as the boy turns his face away. A tear runs down his face. Edward's heart stops. Even when he's crying he's gorgeous enough to make an angel scream. Ed drops his sports bag, shuts the door drowning out the buzz of the party. He places his arms on the boy's shoulders, lightly. He doesn't want to freak him out or scare him off.

"He broke up with me," the boy says in a supremely androgynous voice, too high to be male, too low to be female. Dark lashes flutter down to cover the most brilliant pair of purple eyes Ed has seen this evening (strangely enough, they aren't the only purple eyes Ed has seen).

The boy caves onto Ed. As he holds the boy, Ed reflects on his luck. He has a fucking gorgeous guy, alone, in his room. _And they're both single._ Moreover, the adults aren't particularly sober. On second thought, Edward muses as he maneuvers the boy on to the bed (for the boy's comfort, of course), the party doesn't suck. The boy either doesn't notice the move and its implications or doesn't care. Instead he just leans on Ed's shoulder.

"I can't believe he left me," the boy sobs out. Ed rubs his back, unsure of what to say. The boy just sobs uncontrollably. Ed sniffs and winces. He smells awful. Nothing kills the mood like BO. And trust me, Ed knows mood killing. Well, actually… nothing kills the mood like the untimely arrival of one's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend. Or the arrival of one's ex-girlfriend. Ed shudders, thinks woefully of his hot shower, and holds the boy tight.

After a while, the boy's sobs dissipate and he looks at Ed.

"Sorry," he says, wiping his nose on his hand. "I didn't mean to break down or anything. It's just that—"

"I know," Ed says, smiling. "My girlfriend broke up with me today." (two hours, fifty-two minutes, and twenty-two seconds ago, Ed adds mentally. If he says it aloud he'll appear to be obsessed with time. Which he isn't. His watch is just _very_ accurate.)

"Oh," the beautiful boy says and looks down, disappointed. Inside, Ed is smirking and wondering if he can convince the boy to join him in the shower.

"And," Ed whispers in the boy's ear while playing with his hair. "She's down there." The violet eyed boy looks down and then turns to Ed. Ed's most prized possession, his self-control, is thrown to the wayside. Edward can't resist himself and places a small kiss on the boy's lips.

They're tingly, and shiny, and peppermint flavored (Edward suspects lip gloss). And he really has to restrain himself when the boy shudders and opens his mouth slightly. Edward draws back, lest he do something impulse, like strip. The gorgeous boy stares up at him for a while before Ed's mind short circuits.

"I—I-I-Iya, um I didn't mean, I mean after—break-up—and s-s-so soon and you know you're just about the most amazing guy I've ever seen. And—and I know I smell, but you're fucking gorgeous, and I can't kiss you otherwise, I'll strip, and then we'll be naked on my bed, and-and-and—I don't even know your name."

By now, Edward has turned a lovely shade of cherry and is wishing he could die or at least shut up. Especially because the boy is looking amused. And Edward hates being laughed at, especially when he isn't trying to be funny and he's dead serious, he really is.

"It's Envy and y—They're coming," Envy hisses. Ed looks at him. then hears the sounds of Wrath, Al, and Fletcher coming up the stairs. "Hide me."

How can Edward Elric, reluctant rescuer of all things cute and furry, protector of bullied freshmen (who, while furry, aren't always cute), and closet believer in the statement that chivalry isn't dead, resist a plea like that?

He can't.

And he shoves Envy under the covers near the head of the bed, which is shielded slightly by the bedside table and bookcase, and tries to look nonchalant when WAF (formerly AF. The two, currently three, function as a unit while on sugar highs and their brothers refer to them as such) come bursting in.

Ed is proud to see that his sports bag delays them for five seconds. That's five seconds longer than the folding table. Though nothing can touch Winry's lace bra's record amount of AF time delay. The presence of that article of clothing on Ed's floor stopped AF for a whopping twenty seconds. Topless Winry over topless and pantsless Ed shocked AF into silence for ten seconds. Winry's boobs hypnotized them for thirteen seconds and her wrench and wrath kept them away from Ed's room for forty minutes. Which was about the time that Winry was in the mood to try again. Which is why Ed is still a virgin.

"HiyaEd! HiyaEd! HiyaEd!" WAF choruses. Edward glares at the two responsible for the loss of his un-virginity. (There are other offenders: Pinako, Russell, Nina [which was really painful], his mom [did her book have to reach the best seller mark in three counties at _that moment?_], Winry's period, high tide…).

"HaveyouseenEnvy? Envy? Envy?"

Ed glares at them. He'd been so close, touching in fact, when he felt the water hit his skull. The fact that Ed and Winry had managed to swap underwear during the confused frantic dressing under the canoe added insult to injury.

"Who?" he grounds out, still thinking of all the reasons he's still a virgin. Trick-or-treaters, people who tap on car windows, Jehovah Witnesses, having no idea what to do, Internet advice on what to do, inability to manage condoms…

"My brother! Brother, Wrath'sbrother! Bother! Botherbotherbotherbother!" WAF choruses. They're also bouncing. Edward's eye begins to twitch. "He was in here last. Last! Lastylastylasty! Lassie! LassieLassieLassie! Sassie! Hey Ed! Wheresakitty? Kitty? Kittykittykitty!!"

"You are all insane," Edward states with a glare. Fletcher and Al pale. This is the same type of glare Edward gave them when they came back for a second time. They vanish instantly, and Al flits back to shut the door.

Envy crawls out from under the covers and looks miserable. Suddenly, all the times he failed with Winry and all the things he didn't do with the foreign exchange student don't matter. All that matters is Envy. Ed kisses him again, but this time Envy resists and pushes Ed off.

"I thought you had a girlfriend?"

"We broke up" Ed replies and tries to kiss him again. Can't he see that Ed doesn't care about her anymore (even though it's only been two hours, fifty-five minutes, and twenty-nine seconds)?

"But she's a girl!"

"So."

"I'm not."

"Fine," Ed says, breathes out and sits back. Envy huddles in the corner with the covers. "Do you want to hear why we broke up in the first place?"

Envy nods. Ed sighs.

"Well, we'd been together for a while, I think a year or something. But she's also the girl next store. Lame, I know, but hey she's pretty good looking. Anyways, she caught me today kissing Heidrich in the parking lot and she got really pissed," Ed winced. He sounded like a cheating bastard. Which he was, but damn, Winry slapped harder than most guys punched.

"Then why are you kissing me?" Envy asks, his face unreadable. Ed doesn't blame him. If he didn't know exactly what had happened, he'd be upset too.

"Well, Heidrich was a foreign exchange student and we were saying good bye and he told me that he would miss me and I said something about us seeing each other next term and he said no, because he wasn't going to _be _here then," Ed says, waves his arms around in vague gestures. He pauses, as if waiting for Envy to suddenly comprehend everything.

"Yes," is all Envy says. He stares at Ed imperatively, prompting him to continue.

"And then he got this look in his eyes and said that he knew I had a girlfriend and all but he just had to say it, because he'd never see me again," Edward paused, swallowed, and continued.

"He had his hand on my cheek and he kind of pulled back and blurted out that he liked me and then blushed and was about to say something like 'I'm sorry' or something, because he's that kind of guy." Ed's talking so fast that Envy has a hard time understanding him.

"And I didn't know how to say that Winry and me weren't going too well and that we kept fighting over whether it should be romantic or just done because that wasn't something he probably wanted to know and yeah. I kissed him," Ed finishes suddenly. He's blushing beet red, but that's beyond the point.

"Why?" Envy asked, playing with the covers.

"Well, Winry and I weren't going so—"

"That's not a reason and you know it." Edward winced. Envy's voice was flat.

"He was upset, and he liked me, and I was curious about kissing a guy."

"You're lying," Envy said reflexively. You see, he isn't inclined to believe in the whole curiosity excuse. That's what Kimblee had said afterwards. It hadn't even been on a bed. Instead high and mighty Envy Grådighet was fucked, face down on some moldy old sofa.

It hurt. He'd played with himself, psyching himself for when Kimblee finally decided to go for it. But nothing compared to Kimblee's rude fingers, slamming into Envy and twisting cruelly. Nothing had prepared him to have Kimblee whisper 'you like that, bitch' in his ear.

Envy'd started struggling after that.

'Kimblee,' he stammered, turning his face around. 'I don't think—'

Kimblee pulled his three fingers out and Envy proper himself up on his elbows. The sofa springs creaked and Ed smelled the salt. A storm was coming in and he really didn't trust the shack that Kimblee apparently called home.

'Thanks Kimblee,' Envy remembered saying. 'I changed my mind. I—'

He'd screamed. Kimblee had slammed all the way into Envy; so deep that Envy could feel Kimblee's balls pressing against him. Kimblee pulled out suddenly and paused. Envy tense, nervous, frightened, completely out of his element. Then Kimblee plunged back in, grabbing Envy's hips and wiggling them. He called him things like bitch, slut, and whore. At first, Envy just braced himself and waited for the end. He couldn't believe he'd ever wanted this.

He smelled the alcohol on Kimblee's breath, numbly took in the empty bottles scattered across the floor. Envy thought he understood. Then Kimblee spoke in a lilting, taunting voice 'Why so serious, love? Don't you want me?'

It wasn't fair. Kimblee wasn't allowed to fuck with Envy like that. Envy responded slowly and slowly he began to enjoy it. It was nice, indescribable like kissing was, and oddly satisfying. Kimblee fell into rhythm with the pounding waves and Envy relaxed. It was almost fun and he felt something building within him and then—he came. Kimblee kept going though and Envy must've dozed off in a haze of bliss, because he woke up when Kimblee came inside him, hot liquid that coated him and ran out down his legs, where it seeped into the sofa.

'I love you,' Kimblee had muttered before passing out. Envy smiled and squirmed a bit before falling asleep, not caring that Kimblee was still in him or that he hadn't bothered with a condom.

He'd woken up alone, gone home, and waited for Kimblee to call and explain. Eventually, at his half-sister, Sloth's, request, he gone out to the clubs Kimblee frequented. He found Kimblee sitting with a pile of women and dragged him away to the toilets to explain.

Kimblee hadn't been pleased and when pressed had said 'I was curious.'

Envy wasn't smart enough to leave it there.

'And?' he demanded, looking into Kimblee's narrow gold eyes that flashed suddenly. Uh-oh. Envy knew what that meant. He'd gone too far, expected too much too soon, but—_he fucked me_. He called me his _bitch_ then he made love to me then he left me. All Envy wanted was an explanation. That wasn't too much to ask, was it?

'As much as you look like a girl,' Kimblee gestured to Envy's body. Envy couldn't help but look where Kimblee pointed. 'You aren't a girl' Kimblee mock-groped Envy's chest. 'Where it counts.' He plunged his hands down Envy pants to fondle his balls. Envy hated himself for keening softly. 'I mean, don't get me wrong, you were a good lay. But I think I'll stick with the real ladies.'

He'd left. Kimblee had just walked out the door leaving Envy completely stunned. His pride, his virginity, his heart, Kimblee had them all and didn't even care. So when Ed cited curiosity as a reason, is it any wonder Envy accused him of lying?


	4. Chapter 4

You should all be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very grateful that I am such a nice, nice, nice, _nice_ person.

Therefore, let's try to up the review/visitor from 1 in 10 (10%) to something like 20%. And 15% does not work for me. I don't want to have to calculate it. Let's go for 20% review rate. And it is worth it to leave an email. I respond to everything. Even "…" and I'm not joking either.

Oh yeah and before I forget, the Kimblee scene/idea came from Indigo's Ocean (go read the Christmas ONE shot that inspired this, now, it's worth it. And bug her about updating Roses BEFORE V-day). Go read her stuff, it's good.

Chapter 3

What Envy didn't expect was Ed to agree with him.

"Yeah," Ed says, with a wry smile. "It had a lot more to do with the dreams."

Envy looked at Ed, searching his eyes for any hint of malice or sadistic pleasure. Nothing. Edward's golden eyes were smiling warmly, inviting Envy to laugh at him. Envy sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve again. Ed handed him a tissue. Envy's eyes start leaking tears again.

"Hey, hey, don't cry," Edward crooned and Envy ducked his head into Ed's shoulder. He couldn't help it. Edward was being so unbearably nice and after Kimblee it felt weird, like standing on firm ground after sailing. The earth felt like it was swaying, but you didn't want to get back on a boat because that wouldn't feel solid either.

Envy breathed deeply and choked. Edward smelled awful.

"You smell," Envy said, pulling away. "Bad."

"Heh, sorry about that, I just got back from rugby practice and didn't shower at school, so yeah, I'll go shower now," Edward mumbled, rising from the bed. Envy followed him within seconds. He blushed, started to sit back down and stopped when Edward grabbed his hand.

"If you want," Edward offered, letting go of Envy's hand to rummage in his closet. "You could come in with me. You know, to avoid WAF."

Envy's mind ground to a screeching halt. Shower = wet + naked + Ed. Wet+ naked + Ed _+ Envy_? Bad setting aside, as much as Envy was loathe to admit, sex had been sorta enjoyable (minus the whole mind fuckage part) and he wanted to try it again, just not with Kimblee.

Then he got to the latter part of the sentence. Waf? Wtf?

"Waf?" Envy asked, raising an eyebrow, as Ed gathered a small pile of clothes and his sports bag.

"Shhh—okay, coast is clear," Ed said, sneaking out the door. Envy followed. Ed dropped his sports bag off in the laundry that was practically across the way from his room. Lucky, thought Envy. _He _had to go upstairs to the laundry chute or risk running into Lyra, Dante's apprentice, bitch, and general housekeeper. Ed whisked Envy into the bathroom at the end of the hall, grabbed a towel, and returned to the laundry room.

Ed returned wearing nothing but the towel. Envy sat down on the counter and watched as Ed turned his back and removed the towel. Ed lacked tan lines. Interesting, Envy thought. (He was right too. Though Ed hadn't been sunbathing alone at the nude French beach. It also might've been of interest to Envy, that Ed knew very well that nude beaches were actually not the best place to lose one's virginity. Sand in places that should not _ever_ have sand in them was a mood killer. So were obese Americans.)

Envy buttoned and unbuttoned his cuffs, finally leaving them unbuttoned. He glanced up. Ed was unbraiding his hair and brushing it out. Envy made a sound and Edward turned around and Envy couldn't stop staring.

"Do you want to shower with me?" Edward asked, his voice low and husky. Envy nodded.

"Hop down and let me get out another towel," Ed said, as Envy did what asked, mutely. He couldn't believe that Ed was taking this so well. Like he'd done it before a million times. Envy froze. Just how many times had Edward done this? He asked him.

"And the mood dies for the three-hundred and ninetieth time," Edward says, raising his eyes skyward. "Seriously?"

Envy gives him a hard look.

"Fine," Edward mutters. "Only if you're naked too."

"What does that change?" Envy bursts out.

"It takes away y our unfair advantage," Edward mutters sulkily. "And I don't like being naked in front of clothed people!"

"Fine," Envy says and shakily begins to unbutton his vest. He hates undressing in front of people. He couldn't even do it in front of Kimblee (who'd stormed out and informed Envy that he'd better be naked when he got back). He shrugged off the vest and toed off his socks. He looked at Ed and unbuttoned his shirt.

Edward was entranced. His mouth was halfway open and his eyes were wide and another part of him was rising. Envy smirked and unbuttoned the second button slowly. Ed swallowed audibly. On second thought, this was fun.

Envy wiggled out of his impossibly tight shirt and left the tie on. He unbuttoned the pants quickly and unzipped the zipper. He stepped out of the pants and let his dark green silky boxers fall. Ed's eyes widen and suddenly Envy was on the floor and Edward all over him, licking, caressing, biting lightly, prodding him in the stomach with his shortest limb, and his hands were in Envy's hair and damn, Edward had talented fingers. Perhaps Ed would be tempted to—right, they had things to discuss.

"Ed," Envy said, fighting to keep his eyes open as Ed did _something _to his nipple. His hands grasped at the floor and his toes curled. There had to be a reason Ed was so, so good at this.

"Hmm?" Ed looked up at Envy, his mouth still on Envy's chest. It was simultaneously the cutest and most erotic thing Envy had seen before. Ed's innocent expression combined with the situation turned Envy on to the point where he almost said 'Don't stop' instead of:

"How many people have you slept with?"

Edward sighed and got off of Envy, offering him a hand up. Envy fidgeted. Ed looked uncomfortable and Envy wanted to comfort him, but Envy was spooked and shocked that he hadn't freaked out yet.

"No one," Ed said, blushing. "I'm a virgin."

"No," Envy said.

Ed nodded.

"Really?"

Another embarrassed nod.

"You serious?"

A glare and an embarrassed nod.

"But how'd you get so—"

"Hey! I didn't say I hadn't done anything," Ed protested, glaring at Envy. "It's not like I didn't try. It's just that stuff came up."

Envy bit his lip. Saying 'that's what she said' would be hilarious, but it would not get him laid.

"You wanted to make it romantic?" Envy asked, genuinely curious. Ed gave him a searching look before answering.

"Yes," he admitted. "Though then we started arguing about whether we should just do it or make it special. And we both kept changing our minds. And yeah. That's why I'm awesome at foreplay. _Because it's the only thing I've ever done_."

Edward sighed and turned the water on.

"I've dated other girls, Rose and Nora, but I've basically done everything with Winry except actually have sex. You have no idea how many ways there are to kill the mood or be interrupted," Edward muttered, testing the water. He did something to the facet and the shower came on. "You coming in?"

Envy didn't need more of an invitation.

"I showered with Winry after we realized she was on her period," Ed said, leaning back into the hot spray. "Here, let's get you wet."

Envy allowed Ed to pull him into the water. He didn't know what to do with his hands, so he let them hang. He closed his eyes. Ed stood on tiptoes to tip Envy's head back. He ran his hands through Envy hair. Envy sighed. It felt so good.

"She was really disappointed and upset, so I told her I'd make it up to her and we showered, and watched Sex In The City—laugh and I squirt soap in your eye—and ate ice cream out of the cartoon. It was nice and decidedly less awkward than trying … that."

Envy smiled as Ed maneuvered him out of the shower's spray. He watched as Ed placed a dollop of shampoo in his hands and rubbed them to together. He moaned when Ed surprised by not shampooing his own hair, but Envy's. Envy hastened to reciprocate.

"Oh God!—Envy!" Edward moaned when Envy touched his scalp. He practically collapsed against Envy when Envy scraped Ed's skull with his nails.

"Oh God, oh God, ohgodohgodohgod, fucking Envy, oh god, oh god, OOOOoh, _Envy!_ Fucking Envy, fucking, don't be such a tease, OOOOh! Oh fucking god, oh fucking gah—En_VY!_" Envy looked down at Edward. Man, and he thought he had sensitive scalp.

"You didn't react that way to _her_?" Envy purred. Ed swore his knees turned to Jell-o at that moment.

"N-no," Ed said, face flushing as what he said caught up with him. He bit his lip. Winry had known better than to shampoo Ed's hair. Especially after what happened in the pool (Russell had killed that one).

"You use conditioner?" Envy asked. Ed glared at him. There was nothing wrong with conditioner. It didn't even make his hair silky, just manageable.

"Yes," Ed grumbled. "I do. My hair's a complete bitch otherwise."

_Bitch_. Envy tried to force the word from his mind. He'd been Kimblee's _bitch_ and he was going to be Edward's _bitch_, wasn't he? Or, or Edward was going to be Envy's _bitch_.

No. No, he didn't want to be a bitch or have a bitch. It didn't have to be that way, right? Like Sloth, she wasn't any man's _bitch_. But guys tried it (once, generally, was all it took) and others became so obedient that she'd _leave _them because she didn't want it either. But they didn't want her to leave either.

And, and, Greed. Well, he certainly treated them well, but it was like a pack of wolf-_bitches_, all proud and cold as ice, with Greed as the smug alpha male. And Envy didn't even want to consider Lust and her midget husband. That relationship was just plain creepy. (The fact that Lust was absolutely, perfectly in love with her husband and did not look at other men was what people found most disturbing. Fortunately, there were no children.)

"Envy, Envy," Ed's voice broke through his panicked mind. "Are you okay?"

Envy shook his head no. He'd been so sure, so sure that sex and love were inseparable. He'd thought that you didn't really have one night stands with people you knew, that was only for strangers. If you knew the person, you stayed till morning and explained over coffee. And you were nice and gentle during the act, unless requested otherwise. And you didn't call _names_.

"Envy, do you want to tell me what happened?" Ed asked, placing his hands on Envy's shoulders. Envy screwed his eyes shut and stared at a point above Ed's head.

"I—Iya—Iya, Iya—uh," Envy choked out. He gasped for breathe and tried not to cry again.

"Shh, Shh, shhhhh," Edward whisper, directing Envy down to sit on the edge of the tub. "I'm going to finish up and then we'll talk. And," he took Envy's face in his hands, "It'll be okay, I promise."

Envy watched as Ed scrubbed himself briskly. It wasn't erotic in the slightest. Envy admired that. The way that Ed could suddenly just stop. He supposed it was due to practice. If Ed had been thwarted half as much as he had alluded to, the ability to become un-sexual at a moment's notice wasn't that surprising.

Envy was startled out of his musing by Edward stroking Envy's hair. He twisted around until—

"Relax, it's just conditioner."

Envy sighed as Ed massaged his scalp. He didn't protest as Ed gently rinsed it out. Ed turned the water off and pulled the curtain back. He handed Envy a towel and took one for himself. He dried his body first and then stepped out of the tub. He picked Envy's clothes off of the floor and set them on the counter. Wordlessly he dressed himself.

He nearly fainted when Envy bit his neck directly under his ear.

"Aiyaaahgle," Edward protested, clawing at the wall to stay upright. Envy's lips curved against his skin and he sucked lightly.

This time Edward swore he saw stars.

"You're dripping on me and—GiyAAAH!"

Envy was back to biting. Suddenly he licked a white hot line from the juncture of Ed's neck to his ear and _blew on it_.

This time Ed just swore.

"Envy," He said, grabbing the other boy's shoulders. "Let's get you dried off, m'kay?" Envy sighed sulkily but reluctantly clothed himself. Edward handed him a blow dryer. Envy gave it a dirty look and then looked at Edward.

"It's going to look odd if _you _have wet hair," Ed said, giving his hair a vigorous toweling. "Unless you want our parents to…"

Envy accepted the hair dryer.

Ed grabbed a comb and started on his hair. He'd have to blow dry it too, otherwise he'd have to explain the random blow dryer noise. Which he didn't want to do, under any conditions. Especially to Winry. Oh God. Winry. Well, this was a right mess. Especially if Winry was waiting for Ed in his room. Shit. That would suck. He'd, he'd, he'd tell her that Envy had been sick or something and that he was sorry but it was looking like the entire universe was ganging up on them and why didn't they just end it and save the universe the trouble.

Then she'd kill him.

Damn.

Ed really, really hoped Winry wasn't waiting for him in his room. He snagged the blow dryer from Envy and blew through his hair quickly. He combed at it with his right hand to keep his blond hair from getting ideas. He set the blow dryer down and watched Envy brush out his hair.

He started French braiding his hair when Envy batted his hands away.

"No, leave it down." Was the only explanation Ed got. He shrugged and left it down.

The room was free of Winry and WAF and Envy was curled up in the covers while Ed hunted around for his antlers. A small voice accused him of stalling and he gave up. Russell had probably stolen Ed's pair anyways. He sat down at the head of the bed, next to Envy, and leaned back.

"So," Ed said, not exactly sure how to start. "Wanna start at the beginning?"

Lame, but it had worked on Winry many a time.

"No."

Fail.

"Umm."

"In all fairness, you haven't exactly explained everything in chronological order," Envy said, sulkily.

"Fine. I will give you the much abbreviated life story of Edward Elric," Ed said. "I was born on July 24th, so I'm a Leo. I've known Winry since forever. Our parents have pictures of us bathing together as small children. Mortifying, yes. Me, her, and Al did pretty much everything together, until freshman year when I started dating Nora.

"Winry loathed Nora, though she's probably going to gang up on me with Nora. You know, like being my ex is a bonding thing. And then they'll bond further over making my life miserable. But yeah."

"How far did you go with her?" was Envy's only question. Ed glanced over at him. He appeared to be listening intently.

"Umm," Ed blushed. "Well, um she was a sophomore and I was only a freshman so we'd kiss and then I'd kind of … um feel up her breast and then once I got a hard-on—and I'd better be getting your entire history too because you have no idea how embarrassing this is. But yeah. I expected her to freak out but she didn't. She touched it, me, whatever and I freaked. We broke up shortly after," Ed finished.

Nora had been interesting. She'd been rather quiet, but surprisingly smart. What had always irritated Ed was Nora's refusal to apply herself. Sure she wasn't in low-level classes or anything, but she wasn't in Ed's classes (except for French, but that was one class that Ed did not want to pursue at an advanced level.). She had amazing times for the 1600 meter and, if she'd actually joined the track team, would have the school record for high jump.

Ed had tried to suggest that she pursue some of those goals. He'd figured he could at least get her to do track, but no. She'd resisted all of his efforts and he didn't know why. He'd lost touch with her after the break up and, come to think of it, he quite honestly did not know what she was doing with her life. Of course, one couldn't help but hear rumors. But those were absurd.

"Rose?" Envy prompted.

"Well, she's Nora's older cousin and I dated her from the end of freshman year to around February of sophomore year. We fooled around a bit, but nothing serious I mean. She was a senior and I was a bit intimidated. And she gave me a blow job in the janitor's closet once. I didn't ask for it or anything, it just sorta happened. And it was extremely embarrassing, because I didn't know what you were supposed to do when a girl goes down on you," Ed wrapped his arms around his knees. "And once she was done, I was in such a haze. I felt like I was floating then I realized that she was err—fingering herself. So, in a typical Ed move, I reciprocated."

"What was that like?" Envy asked, his voice softer. He'd calmed down some. Brilliant, Edward couldn't help but think, my embarrassment sedates him.

"Umm. Icky? Girls who shave down there are so weird. But it didn't taste awful, just weird. It felt hella weird too. Like a tongue only looser and different. But she liked it. And I don't think girls get off on giving guys blow jobs, so I dunno," Edward said.

"How'd it end?"

"It was Valentine's Day," Edward said, closing his eyes. "And she'd wanted to have _sex._" He winced at the word. The corners of Envy's mouth twitched. Ed was just so, incredibly immature, yet un-virginal. It was rather cute, and definitely comforting. "For a while and she'd been hinting that V-day was going to be the day she made me an offer I couldn't refuse. All my guy friends thought I was crazy for putting it off for so long and Winry, well, I didn't talk about it with her. But every time I came close to doing it and chickened out and got teased over Myspace about it, she'd leave me these messages saying that she understood if I felt like waiting and she respected me more for it.

"Yeah, and I didn't know she was crushing on me at this point."

Envy laughed. Ed smiled wryly. It was funny, but it made him think about her and how much he missed her really. Only he didn't because he missed the beginning and the friendship part more than the last bits.

"Well, she, Rose, sent me on this huge scavenger hunt that finally ended with a trail of rose petals up to her room. Her parents were gone and everything. And I was so freaked out, it wasn't even funny," Ed said. "And I opened her door. It was just like the movies. Black sheets, candles, and she was there. Reclining on the bed, naked. She got up and started undressing me real slow and I totally freaked."

Ed stopped and sighed.

"I told her something about not being ready and pretty much panicked and she got all huffy and offender and yeah. She ended up throwing a vase at me and I left after that. We didn't really do anything after that," Ed said. Actually, they didn't ever speak after that.

"Winry," Envy said, "What about her?"

"Oh god, what's there to say that hasn't been said in Coitus Disturbo, a case study?"

Envy gave Ed a look.

"Disturbo is Latin for frustrate or to drive apart in confusion, which is an accurate description of Winry and my attempts. I'm serious, my mom's book sales spiked right before Winry took off her thong. And of course, my mom just had to sprint upstairs to tell me. Fortunately, the shriek gave us some warning, but still," Ed said, smiling ruefully. "And by the way, beaches, even nude beaches, are to be avoided. Sand gets _everywhere_. Also, consider high tides before planning midnight beach outings. Night is preferable, because small children are in bed, unless it's Halloween."

Envy giggles.

"There's more, trust me," Edward says. "Cell phones, those should be off. Parents should be out. But not on cruises, 'cause they _always _come back early from those. Avoid holidays. They just suck and there's always the chance of relatives. Stressful times are a no, because stress can trigger periods. Fields with overly inquisitive goats, cars, Toyotas, barns, haystacks, cliffs, actually, just avoid nature." Edward pauses. "Man, we tried everything short of booking a hotel room.

"The worst part was, it stopped being about the bonding and the whole I'm-giving-you-this-gift and turned into a we-are-going-to-beat-the-universe thing. We used to have these debates about what exactly sex meant before we ever tried anything. We wanted to be on the same page. We thought—I thought we were," Ed sighed and looked out his window at the street. It was lit up by Christmas lights and street lamps. Festive. Peace, Joy, Love was written in Christmas lights on one of the neighbor's shrubs.

Hmm, Edward thought, we could definitely use all three of those in here. Or maybe just some good booze.

"Then, well, they turned into arguments about just wanting to do it and making it special. Once we got so mad that we both just stripped and as soon as we were naked we stopped and cried. I guess we both wanted to make the first time special or at least significant. Not something we just did to do," Ed shrugged. "Funny thing is, we never did oral. I dunno, Winry didn't want it, said she didn't want my tongue around there. Makes sense, Rose didn't mind, but then she shaved and Winry didn't. She's blonde. Really blonde, blonde all over. But yeah, she said she didn't care what those other sluts did, she wouldn't give me oral.

"I told her I didn't care. I mean, it was great, but I didn't tell her that. I couldn't. I did say that it felt like something you paid a whore to do or got some drunk chick to do it. And that it was extremely awkward 'cause where _do_ your hands go? She laughed and I told her that it looked demeaning and since she didn't want me to reciprocate and I respected that, I'd feel horrible." Ed looked at Envy. "I think the only way I'd do oral would be to sixty-nine, you know, so it's equal."


	5. Chapter 5

Indigo's Ocean and I have started this challenge. It's who can update their stories the most before break ends. For our Christmas stories, we're going by word counts, as she tends to favor oneshots. However, Stuttering Toward Ecstasy and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous are going by chapter. She has a problem with finishing things and I have motivation issues. I intend on winning. (Since I have so many chapters written out ahead for this one, my competition starts with the end of chapter 6)

Enjoy.

**Chapter 4**

"I go to a private school in Nova Scotia," Envy said, twisting the comforter in his hands. Ed laid his hands over Envy's and held them. "Thanks."

Ed sat there and listened as Envy told about a school dance that his half sister had taken him to. Envy wasn't even supposed to be there, he was too young, but Sloth had decided that she couldn't go alone and Envy needed to meet more people.

It was, Envy explained, something done in direct violation of Envy's father's wishes. Envy wasn't supposed to associate with the proletariat types, hence private school since he was old enough for school. Sloth was into "slumming" and movements like "glamping." She loved things that clashed. Luxury and poverty, camping in spite of nature, the more bizarre and weird it was, the more Sloth loved it.

"Therefore," Envy said, with a pained smile. "It was only natural that she dragged me, her long time confidante, along. She always made a point of keeping me up to date on the latest trends, parental wishes be damned. Probably so she'd have someone to talk to. I don't blame her. I mean, she really doesn't have too many people she talks to and I guess she didn't want us to grow apart or anything."

Ed nods. He certainly doesn't envy Russell, though Russell does love interesting people and he possesses a vague disregard for class or popularity lines. It might've been social obliviousness, but Edward doesn't think so.

Russell always seems far too pleased with himself to be unaware of the effects. Sloth appears to be the same way, only more likely to throw it in your face, whereas Russell just slipped it in under the door.

Whatever happens, Edward hopes that Sloth and Russell have a happy evening. He doesn't think they'll keep in touch after it's over, but Russell deserves a nice night. And apparently, Sloth does too. Right, Ed. You just want to avoid questions and interruptions.

Edward tunes in at the mention of The Guy.

"Sloth, my half-sister was talking to him and he must've pissed her off or something because she lashed out at him and called him a faggot. I didn't even know what that meant, I wasn't even in high school. But he ended up just walking up to me and kissing me," Envy shut his eyes. He didn't say anything. He drew a shaky breath and Ed rubs Envy's hand encouragingly.

"Go on," Edward says in a kind tone.

"Well, it wasn't my first kiss. I'd kissed girls, but not like that. And it was a lot better, you know? He just kinda took over for me. I don't think he realized I was a guy at first, but he kept going with it, because it pissed Sloth off so much," Envy dropped his eyes to his hands, and smiled. "His name was Zorof Kimblee. Who names their kid that? But he went by Kimblee. We never went out, but we'd fool around. Only it was years before he knew I was gay. I'd always assumed that he knew, but he didn't. He thought it was gay chicken or something and wondered why I was so good."

Edward squeezes Envy's hands. He doesn't like the sound of Kimblee. He didn't like the sound of Kimblee before he knew the sound he didn't like was called Kimblee. He'd disliked Kimblee (the cause of Envy's distress) before he knew Envy's name.

"It was better this year. Maybe because he was in college or something, but he was more affectionate. I blew him, a couple times, more actually. I didn't want him to leave!" Envy moaned the last part. "If I'd said no, he'd have found someone else, some _girl_. He'd pet my hair afterwards, touch me everywhere. Tell me I was the best ever, that I was perfect, that he loved me. Sometimes he'd give me a hand job, once he blew me," Envy looked away suddenly. "He was always so jealous. Once he got in Sloth's face when he saw her with me. He must've been drunk or on something, because she's my half-sister as well as fucking terrifying."

"I can see that," Edward muttered. Just the fact that Russell was hitting on her told him that. Russell, Ed had decided, had this thing for chicks that were fucking terrifying. Probably why he liked horror movies even though they all gave him nightmares.

"You've met her," Envy said.

"Briefly."

"She like you?"

"Um, I may have appeared more sane and reasonable than the guy she was with?" Ed replied.

"That means nothing," Envy muttered. "She doesn't do relatives. She's all absolutes. Nothing gets to her, she won't lower standards in desperation. Guys spontaneously rise to the occasion."

"You don't know Russell," Ed muttered. Russell was capable of lowering just about everybody's expectations. If you weren't careful, you'd find yourself making excuses for behavior that would normally illicit slaps. He was insidious. Like a fungus or mold, he'd grow on you, working himself into the woodwork like a termite. And then you'd end up liking him if you were into girls, and falling for him if you were into guys. Ed had seen it happen before and he'd never seen anyone (save for complete bitches and douchebags) avoid it.

"Well, anyways, she didn't like what Kimblee said and she got in his face right back, and I think he might've been ready to punch her, but her guy of the evening appeared and he was massive enough to make Kimblee back off," Envy keeps looking down and he doesn't look happy. "She hated him. I never found out why. He probably insulted her or something, probably treated her badly. Amazing how he could piss her off that badly within five minutes. But I liked him. I'd do anything for his attention and sometimes I'd flirt with another guy, just to see him get jealous. He made more of an effort when he was jealous. I—I liked the control."

Envy gives Ed a pained look and Edward can tell he doesn't want to continue. But he has to. It's already been started and he has to know what happened. Even if it hurts.

"I'd been hinting for a while that I wanted to go further, but it never went anywhere. I'd chicken out and make an excuse or beg Sloth to take me with her some where. Finally, Kimblee said that he'd do it," Envy glanced up. "I was happy. We hadn't done anything for weeks and he took me to his home. I'd never been there. It's by the ocean. It's not great and I think it's abandoned, but the roof doesn't leak, for the most part.

"I couldn't undress in front of him. I was so nervous and I didn't want him to watch me."

"He didn't undress you," Ed queried, curious. He'd helped Winry the first time. Her fingers had been trembling so much that he'd had to help. She'd looked around at him and smiled.

Envy laughed. It wasn't a happy sound. It was harsh and joyless.

"The last time he tried it I completely freaked. I think I knocked myself out or something. So, he knew better. Instead he stormed out and told me I'd better be naked when he got back otherwise he was leaving. I didn't have a ride back and besides, I wanted this," Envy smiled ruefully. Ed knows it ends badly. He can feel it. He doesn't want to know, doesn't want Envy to tell him, but.

But Edward's curious and human. Besides, he needs to know how to avoid freaking Envy out. He and Winry had known how to freak each other out long before they'd dated. Granted they were small children and _trying _to freak each other out, but Ed knew not to tickle Winry or watch Romeo and Juliet-esque stuff because she thought Romeo was an idiot and Juliet was too in love. Winry knew not to serve milk or watch politics with Ed because Ed was liberal and often screamed at the TV.

All he wanted was the same for him and Envy.

Right, Ed. Just admit that it's fascinating and you want some reciprocation for your love life's story.

"Well, I stripped. He came back. He put me face down on the couch. He shoved about three fingers in. I'd experimented by myself before, but I only did two and it hurt."

Envy's voice is dead. His eyes are downcast. His shoulders, slumped. Ed is vividly reminded of the girl from Darfur he saw on TV once. Like all the girls in Law & Order: SVU. Like a rape victim.

"Called me his bitch, told me I liked it rough, and he fucked me. It was horrible. Then he told me he loved me, called me beautiful, kissed me. I came, fell asleep, woke up when he came, finally. He wasn't there in the morning. I went home, walked or called a cab, I don't remember which. I waited for him to call and tell me why he left, why he wasn't there when I woke up.

"He didn't. I moped. I think I was practically comatose for a week before Sloth, and she hates him, yelled at me to go check the clubs or something. He was there with a bunch of girls, _whores_. I dragged him off and asked him why."

Envy makes a choked sound and it takes Ed a minute to realize he's laughing. It still sounds like crying or coughing.

"He said he'd been curious. I asked again. I figured I deserved an explanation, even though he fucking hates explaining anything. He, he said, that even though I looked like a girl, I wasn't. He had his hands on my chest at this point then he put them in my pants. I fucking _whined_ too. Like I wanted it. Then he pulled out his hands, told me I was a good lay but he was going to stick with the real women. I got so drunk that night. I was flirting with hella older men and shit. I was so glad when Sloth found me. She and her bodyguard of the week got rid of the guys and she took me home, told Mom I was sick, and put me to bed. And apologized. God, apologized for telling me to find him," Envy shook his head. "I must've failed all of my finals and shit. I'm probably going to flunk out because I'd skipped with him so often. God, I'm such a filthy slut."

"You're not," Ed whispered and hugged Envy tightly.

"You must hate me."

"I don't," Ed whispered and kissed Envy's forehead firmly.

"You're lying," Envy mumbled.

"You're fishing for compliments."

"S'not like you're biting."

"Oh really?"

"Ouch!" Envy squirmed as Ed lay on top of him. He nipped at Envy's collar bone and he grasped at the sheets. He arched up into Ed, trying to entice him to cover more skin. Edward nipped, bit, and licked his way up and down Envy neck, leaving Envy gasping for breathe and writhing on the bed.

His hips bucked up suddenly. Ed paused, pulled back to look at Envy's flushed face.

"How close are you?" he asked, hands on Envy's shoulders.

" I dunno," Envy said conversationally. "I've never done this before."

"Ah," Edward said and rolled off of Envy. "Let's just cuddle then."

"Fine," Envy mumbled and allowed Ed to spoon him. He wriggled uncomfortably and turned to face Ed.

"If we went further, you'd come, and approximately five seconds later, we'd be called for dinner," Ed said, tucking a lock of Envy's hair behind his ear.

Envy raised an eyebrow.

"Trust me, I know this stuff," Ed said, with an air of great knowledge. "Don't think it hasn't happened."

They talked about the most random things. Stoplights, semi-trucks, dolphins, politics, movies, siblings, lightbulbs, iguanas. Envy was amazed. He'd never met someone who was so sexy, yet completely platonic. And Ed, well, Ed wasn't missing Winry.


	6. Chapter 6

Hahaha! I strikes again.

(I should be studying for my chem final. Or better yet finishing the missing work that's killing my grade.)

And yet, and yet.

Here you go chunkies!

Chapter 5

Dinner is torture.

Sure, Edward had anticipated it awful. But he'd also been expecting to move up to the grown-up table this year; however with the sudden influx of older people, he is once again seated at the kiddy table. Well, it wasn't really a kiddy table, there wasn't anyone under twelve present. All of the smaller children were at home with baby sitters and nannies and such. Still, it was degrading.

That and Winry was sitting across from him.

Sure Envy is going to be sitting on his right and it has been four hours, twelve minutes, and thirty eight seconds since he screwed everything up and roughly two hours (Edward doesn't remember the precise time, that in itself is amazing) since he realized he didn't care. However, there was that guy.

His smile was too big.

He was wearing a vest.

The vest was red. Santa Claus red.

With fur, white fur.

With a "Ho!Ho!Ho!" tie over it.

It shouldn't be allowed. He was also wearing black and red pinstriped trousers. Moreover, he had muscles. Muscles that could be seen through the white oxford he was wearing. That shouldn't be possible. That was the point of the oxford, to put all guys on the same, equally scrawny level.

The fact that he was sitting next to Winry and _leering_ at her had nothing to do with Edward's opinion of the man.

Riiiight. Keeping telling yourself that, Ed. You might begin to believe it.

Winry was glaring at Ed and clutching a glass of cider. Ed hoped the cider was spiked. If not, that he could dodge before it hit him.

Sloth arrived at the table with Russell in tow. She looked put out and was carrying the drinks. Russell was smugly carrying two plates. Apparently, he'd logicked Sloth into helping him, as opposed to letting her bully him into service.

Amazing. Russell has sprouted a back bone.

Nah, that's not really right, Edward thinks. Russell isn't one for active resistance. He just becomes impossible to move and arguing with him produces the same result as kicking a large brick wall and telling it move. Actually, the brick wall might be more likely to listen than Russell at his most obstinate.

The guy in the Santa vest whispers something to Winry. Winry smiles and then giggles. Edward grinds hi s teeth. Sure, he screwed up with Winry. And granted, he is on to his second person since breaking up with her. But does she have to shove it in his face?

Edward chooses to forget that kissing in the parking lot ranks a lot higher on the Post Breakup Injustice scale than talking to a new person.

Perhaps the most upsetting thing is that, Edward isn't allowed to care anymore. That kills him, it really does. Though, if Winry's not just doing this to get back at him, then maybe there's a chance for the friendship to survive.

Yeah, fucking, right.

Ed stared morosely at his food. He is such an idiot.

"Does your mother always serve this much food?" Envy asks, appearing next to Ed. Ed starts slightly. Either he got lost in his thoughts or Envy is extremely quiet.

"Yeah," Ed says. Envy's taken some of the pork loin, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and an asparagus heart. Interesting. Winry always eats chicken or lamb, Ed can't help but remember. She takes a spoonful of each stuffing and a roll to nibble on, but never finishes. She never takes any vegetables, but will steal Ed's Caesar salad if he's not careful. Just like he'll finish her roll.

But Envy's a light eater and Edward has this feeling that he's going to eat everything on his plate. There's not going to be any mutual food stealing because Envy's not aware of the tradition and it' d be wrong to do that right in front of Winry, right?

That and Edward doesn't really see anything on Envy's plate that he wants, not even to mock steal. Except for the asparagus heart, but there's only one. Theft would then be mean and not cute.

"Why? I mean, wouldn't one meat course be enough?" Envy asks, taking a sip of water. Ed considers his cider glass. It's not the hard cider, though he could probably get some now. He doesn't want to impair his judgment, not around Envy. It seems unreasonably dangerous and Envy practically requires someone with their wits about them. Especially after what happened.

Ed sighs. Great, now he's feeling protective over Envy, whom he's only just met.

"I think we live in the most multicultural neighborhood in Canada," Ed says. Envy raises an eyebrow. "Seriously, we have Hindus, Muslims, vegans, Jews, Christians, Mormons, Buddhists, and once there was a family of Satanists who were really, really nice people."

"You've got to be kidding me," Envy said, taking a bit of the potatoes.

"I'm not."

"Why is there salmon then?" Envy asks. Ed swallows his mouthful of pecan stuffing.

"Oh, because the one of the vegetarians doesn't like tofu," Ed says with a straight face. It's actually more of his mother's need to satisfy everybody, even the people who haven't complained.

"Does she like hire a caterer or what?"

"No, she cooks it entirely herself," Ed says, glowering. The week before the party the house is filled with food that Ed, Al, and Hohenheim are not allowed to touch. Slowly this food materializes into the stuffings, puddings, and pies needed. The night before the party Trisha does not sleep. Instead she starts fixing the meat dishes.

"Right," Envy replies. It's insane. He can't imagine the amount of time it takes. Moreover, all of the food is good. _His _mother, Dante, hasn't said a single word about the food and she's famous for flinging sub-par food into the faces of the chefs who created it.

"I'm serious," Ed says, trying not to watch Winry nibble her roll. What's going to happen to the roll, he wonders. Will she have the guy eat it or will she have to finish the carb-filled victual herself?

"Who is that?" Ed finally asks, pointing to the guy who is now flirting with Edward's gir—_ex_, Winry is his ex-girlfriend.

"Greed," Envy leans close to Edward and lowers his voice. "He's my half-brother, Sloth's brother."

"A-ah," Edward says, the words sticking in his throat. He feels bad. He knows he's being obvious, but he can't help it. No girl has ever really affected him like this. Winry was more of the friend type anyways. Being with her always felt like coming home. He'd thought that was good, that it meant they were destined for each other.

But Envy was exciting, Ed was always off balance and everything was new. He liked that, but he missed the simple familiarity of Winry.

"Edward, save me!"

Before Ed could react, Sloth had thrown herself across him. He blinked, she didn't go away. Edward glanced, helplessly at Envy. Envy didn't notice, he was too busy glaring at his half-sister. Hysterical laughter threatened to bubble up. Envy was jealous.

Ed bit his tongue. Envy probably wouldn't appreciate plays off of his name. He'd probably heard them all before.

"Promise you'll protect me," Sloth said, staring up into his eyes. Ed noted that her eyes were different from Envy's; they had a bright, almost magenta color around the pupil and a bright, clear, purple elsewhere. And, Edward only noticed because they were extremely large eyes, a band of near indigo around the outside.

Edward glanced at Winry. She was smiling, almost smirking at him. Oh, great. Well, at least she was just reveling in his discomfort and not jealous.

"Umm?" Edward said, stalling for time. He caught sight of a disgruntled Russell. Well, this wasn't very good.

"No! Don't look at him! He'll hypnotize you!" Sloth said, before laughing.

"C'mon, Sloth, you promised you'd help with the bra—twelve year olds," Russell said, smiling. One of the twelve year olds was currently attached to his leg. Ed raised an eyebrow. He didn't even want to know what was going on.

"Noooo!" Sloth scrambled over Ed to grab Envy's hands. Envy looked as if he was seriously considering biting Sloth's nose off.

"Uhh?" Ed said, wanting to tell Sloth that perhaps the best thing to do would be to get off of him before Envy attacked her or something.

"Envy, dearest brother, help me!" Sloth said dramatically. "You owe me."

"I want SLOTH!" one of the smaller children said. Sloth stopped. The girl looked like she was threatening to have a temper tantrum if she was denied.

"Me too!" another declared.

Sloth glanced around the table in horror. She was met by looks of haughty distaste. Nobody wanted a temper tantrum blamed on them.

"Please?" she asked softly. She received several stony glares.

"You'd best go," Edward offered.

"Your adoring public awaits," Russell said in a stately voice. He made a great gesture of offering his hand to Sloth.

"If I must," she said, allowing Russell to pull her to her feet and dragged her into the TV room where The Polar Express or some other movie was playing (not Home Alone, that movie was had been banned after AF were inspired by it).

"Oh! It's Samantha!"

"Really?"

"Awesome!"

"It's a _girl's _movie isn't it?"

"Shut up."


	7. Chapter 7

And the challenge between Indigo's Ocean and I starts with the next chapter (there is a discrepancy in the numbering that this site does and my own. Since there's a prologue and all).

But don't worry, I'm in it to win it. (and unlike Hillary Clinton, I will actually win).

Also, what do you all think of Ed's time obsession/awareness? I'm thinking about having him lose his watch, since it's getting irritating to calculate time passage and all. But if you like I might continue (or bring it back after I finish it and re-edit it).

But yeah!

**Chapter 6**

"So, little brother, how goes _your_ evening?" Greed asks and Edward immediately bristles at the tone. It is not because Greed is eating the role that was supposed to be Ed's. It has nothing to do with that. Ed would react the same way if anyone took that tone with Envy. He's only known Envy for one hour, twenty-seven minutes, and nine seconds. Great, so now he's either jealous or possessive. Neither are good traits.

"Shut up, Greed," Envy says, moving a stray crumb of stuffing around on his plate.

"Hey, I'm just asking," Greed said, unbothered by Envy's brusque response.

"Well, don't."

"Hi, I don't believe we've met," Greed said, looking at Edward and smiling. He extended his hand across the table. Envy looked at it like it was side of rotting meat. "I'm Greed."

"I'm Ed," Ed said, shaking the outstretched hand. Envy gave him a betrayed look and became extremely interested in arranging the leftovers on his plate. "Nice to meet you."

"Winry's told me so much about you," Greed said with another large smile.

"Uh." Ed was speechless. He couldn't imagine any of it being good. Greed probably thought he was a creep. Only he wasn't, he really wasn't, even if it appeared that way. He didn't mean to cheat on Winry, but it was just a goodbye and, and then there was Envy. Along with the fact that he'd had dreams about Heidrich when he'd never dreamt of Winry.

"Don't worry, it hasn't all been bad," Greed said, with another huge smile reminiscent of a certain Doctor Sues character. Strange that the Grinch and Greed would have anything in common.

"That's good," Edward said and chanced a look at Winry. She seemed to be taking the exchange well. Moreover, her mascara was not smeared so she hadn't been crying at the party.

"I assume that Envy has told you nothing about me," Greed said, giving Envy a careful look. Envy ignored him in favor of doodling in the sauce on his plate.

"He mentioned you," Edward said. Envy's head snapped up and his mouth was half open. "You told me his name, didn't you?"

Envy suddenly nodded, shut his mouth, and continued to stare at his plate. Greed watched the entire exchange wordlessly.

"Interesting," Greed said, before adding. "Winry told me you play rugby."

"Yeah, I play Left Wing," Edward said, putting his fork down. "It's pretty awesome. You play at all?"

"Nah, I just watch," Greed said with a shrug. "Or play with friends. I'm not too into the whole competition thing. You thinking about going pro?"

Ed smiles.

"Nah, I have to go to university and all," Edward says with a smile. "And I don't really think it'd make that great a career."

"Well, at least you're not in the scrum all the time."

"True, but those forwards are massive."

"Point, still it's fun to watch," Greed says. Winry's smiling. Ed wonders what she has planned. He folds his hands and sets them in his lap. "Who's your team?"

"I like the Thunderbirds," Edward says.

"Right on!" And Greed is off talking about the team's wins and losses. Normally Edward would be overjoyed to talk university rugby with someone, but Envy's locked his ice-cold hand around Edward's and Ed can't think. Fortunately, Greed doesn't seem to notice and eventually, Ed's able to join in.

"Oh, GOD!" Russell exclaims upon entering the room. "Tell me you're not talking rugby? You're not letting them talk rugby are you?"

Envy blinks at Russell. He seems astonished at being addressed at all.

"Um," he says.

"You are," Russell informs Envy sitting down in the empty seat next to him. Envy clutches Ed's hand tighter. He's not sure if he should let go or just hope that no one notices. He knows that Ed's not out and doesn't want to out him. But yet, he doesn't want to keep it a secret and have Ed think that Envy's embarrassed or something. Yet, he doesn't w ant to have this conversation with Ed, even though Ed would probably be great at it. After all, he'd had long conversations about the meaning of sex with his ex. Surely he'd be happy to talk to Envy about their relationship, if you could even call it that.

"Look, you don't want to be here," Russell says, looking Envy in the eyes. "You want to come in and watch the movie with us."

Envy gives Russell a look.

"Seriously," Russell continues. "Otherwise, you're going to get called for clean-up duties."

"I'm good," Envy says.

"Suit yourself," and Russell walks out of the room.

Seconds later Mrs. Elric announces that it's clean up time. Her eyes light on Envy and her son. Envy glances at Edward, but he's too involved in his rugby conversation to notice.

He does notice when Envy hands him a dishrag after Greed and Winry vanish to collect plates or something.

"Oh man," Edward groans. Envy raises an eyebrow. This is entirely Ed's fault. He could've avoided clean up or at least dishwashing if he'd been more aware. Ed throws the rag back at Envy.

"We're not doing the pots and pans first," he says, walking over to the sink, "Just the dishes for now, people generally like to take stuff home."

Envy shrugs. He just wanted Ed's attention. He can see why people take stuff home too. Unless the Elric's fridge is much larger than it looks, all the food simply won't be able to fit.

"You don't really need to do anything," Ed says, turning the water on. He rinses off a plate and puts it in the dishwasher. "You can just sit on the counter and keep me company."

For some reason, Envy doesn't. Maybe he's feeling daring or maybe he managed to get some of the spiked cider when Ed wasn't look. Either way, Envy walks over to Ed and whispers in his ear:

"I think I'll stand right here," Envy says before biting Ed's earlobe. Ed freezes and without turning his head, looks over at the adult's table. No one notices that Envy currently has part of Edward's ear in his mouth. Envy steps away. "You know, so I look like I'm helping."

Edward just stares. He briefly considers dragging Envy off to his room, who cares about the dishes. But he can't. Damn.

"I wouldn't want to get sent out on plate patrol," Envy says, wrinkling his nose.

"Yeah," Ed says, breathless. "We wouldn't want that to happen."

"Here," Envy says suddenly, walking behind Ed to stand on the other side of the open dishwasher. "Hand me the dishes."

"Right," Edward says and turns back to the sink, missing Envy's glare. Envy's not completely useless, he can put plates away, even if he's never done before in his life. Still he doesn't want to be waited on by Ed (even though Ed seems plenty willing at this, but then Envy would get used to it, but Ed would have limits and Envy would ignore them…). If Ed won't tell him to do anything, Envy will have to volunteer and he doesn't like doing that. It makes him seem needy.

The dishwasher fills up quickly and Envy glances at Ed, concerned. He really has no idea what to do. The maids have always taken care of this type of stuff before.

"Here," Edward says. "Take out all the small plates and bowls. We'll need them for dessert and we can hand wash them faster."

Envy quickly obeys. Maybe Ed's just used to doing this alone and he's not coddling Envy.

Envy spots Mrs. Elric walking over, plate in one hand, wine glass in another. Classy. Envy's mother follows, the two are involved in conversation and Dante, _Dante_, is carrying her own plate and wine glass. Either she's taking the When In Rome thing too seriously or his mother has always secretly had no manners.

Dante gestures wildly with her wineglass, red liquid sloshing around dangerously. Envy sighs. That or she's drunk, he thinks. He wishes he could flee. He hates his mother when she gets like this. She'll start asking about his love life, berate him for his grades, discuss colleges with him or worst of all, try to set him up with the nearest avaible teen, regardless of gender.

Not that Envy would mind as much now. The closest teen is Edward and at least Dante's attempts would be useful or at least non-hindering. But Envy doesn't think Edward could survive the embarrassment.

Envy also doesn't want to see Mrs. Elric's reaction to his mother's matchmaking. She might not approve and she doesn't look drunk enough to go along with it.

"So, tell me more about this school, Mrs.," Mrs. Elric pauses, Envy wishes she wouldn't try. It's confusing even to think about his mother's full last name.

"Please, call me Dante," Dante says smiling. "It's easier to pronounce."

Envy gently sets the plate Ed's handed to him in the rack. He can tell from his mother's drawn out vowels and exaggerated movements that she is slightly intoxicated.

Privately, he's amazed. It normally takes at least ten glasses of normal wine before she gets like this. The alcohol must be extremely good or she managed to drink ten glasses with dinner.

"Alright, Dante," Mrs. Elric says with a schoolgirl giggle. Envy stands up to peer at Ed's face. He's blushing, Envy notes. Maybe Envy isn't the only one with needlessly embarrassing parents who may or may not be a little tipsy. Dante joins in with her rich, full laugh.

"Yes, it's a private boarding school Envy's attending next term," Dante says. Envy stiffens. This is the first he's heard about this. She can't have gotten the scores back this early, Envy thinks, panicking. "His father decided that it'd be better for him, prepare him for college, you know. Sloth, my darling daughter, is studying abroad next term and she's really the only person he knows at his current school."

Envy relaxes and waves off Ed's concerned look. He bends over to place another large plate in when:

"You should consider sending Edward there. It's a very well-respected school and they have a special seniors program. Edward could finish all the classes he needs to and still have room for some fun ones."

Envy pinches himself. It hurts. This is unreal. This can't possibly be happening. Going to the same school as Ed would be, it'd be, it'd be loads better than failing at home that's for sure. Especially with Sloth gone. Envy's pretty certain that he would've slept through his finals, if she hadn't shown up, like some angel of caffeine with Starbucks during the breaks.

"I don't know if Ed would—"

"Actually, Mom. I think that'd be great," Edward says suddenly. All eyes are on him, but he only smiles. Dante looks pleasantly surprised, while Mrs. Elric seems mildly shocked. Envy is just staring at him. He can't quite believe it. "It'd be nice to have a couple fun classes and since Envy would be there, I'd already know one person."

Envy melts. He can see that Ed's playing the role of perfect, wholesome son, but he does it so well. And he's so _nice_ and _good _and Envy's flattered, flattered and excited, that anyone that perfect could still want something to do with him.

"That'd actually be perfect," Dante says, smiling at Edward as if he's genuinely pleased her. Wordlessly, Envy takes the plates from the two women, because it's expected more than anything else. He hands them to Ed quickly. "Envy has such a hard time making friends." Dante places her hand on Envy's shoulder as Mrs. Elric looks sympathetic.

"Really, but he's so nice," Mrs. Elric says, and Envy has to wonder if she's just naïve or nice. "And his sister is so outgoing."

"That's more the problem," Dante says, letting go of Envy's shoulder. "He just follows her and doesn't make friends of his own. That's why I'm not too sure about the boarding school, but it can't be any worse than his current one. And if Edward goes, well it'd lay to rest some of my worries."

Envy marvels at Dante's first class guilt trip. Such art, such talent, such a brilliant idea. Especially if he was Ed's roommate. That would ideal, it'd be perfect. Ed could help Envy study and keep him on task and then they'd have fun. Oh yes, they'd have a lot of _fun_.

"Well," Mrs. Elric says, wavering. "Ed's in the middle of rugby."

"Ah, come on Mom," Edward says jumping in. "I'm sure I could make the team there. Besides, it's not like I'm depending on a rugby scholarship. And there's always lacrosse in the spring."

"The school has a very nice lacrosse team," Dante adds. Envy tries to resist performing a victory dance.

"I'll think about," Mrs. Elric says, "I'd have to talk to my husband of course. But there's a chance, there's definitely a chance."

"We should let you boys finish up," Dante says, as Greed and Winry return with more plates. Greed looks inordinately pleased and Winry's lip gloss is smudged. Greed's wide lips are sparkling.

"Encounter some mistletoe?" Edward asks and Envy feels like kicking him. Can't he just hurry up and stop talking to his ex?

"Yes," Winry says, blushing and Greed laughs. "It caught me in the forehead."

"Al thought it would be funny," Ed says and shrugs helplessly.

"Speaking of Al, _where is he?_" Winry asks, glancing around as if the trio may suddenly leap out and attack her.

"One can only hope that they are in sugar-high induced comas or Dad spiked their cider with Nyquil," Ed says. "Else they're plotting our doom."

"Ed that's horrible," Winry says, smacking his head lightly. Greed just smirks. He's the guy with the hand on her waist. He feels no threat.

"You know it's true," Ed says. "You guys wanna hand wash the plates and bowls." Ed gestures to the dishes on the counter. "We'll need 'em for dessert."

"Sure," Greed says. "We'd love to."

**End.**

I am so evil. I do so love this chapter. It's now my favorite. Which is odd because writing it was not enjoyable or particularly easy.


	8. Chapter 8

And my first chapter of the challenge. I would like to remind you that Indigo's Ocean came up with the Kimbley-Envy dynamic/rape thing first. And that there is a new chapter of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. I recommend to everyone, but especially those who like the more canon Ed. You know the out of control little spitfire. The loose cannon? Yeah, that Ed. Well, she writes him extremely well and LOTRAF is the type of fanfiction that you wish wasn't fanfiction, but an actual book. When she finishes it I predict it will be up there with Dark Humor.

I do so love this story. Due to NaNoWriMo, I got out of the habit of fanatical research and focused on just writing. Which is somewhat lucky because placing this in New Brunswick wasn't the best idea. It's a little too small (no offense to the residents, but I need something a little bigger with more people). So, it's now set in Quebec.

Unfortunately, Quebec has it's own sort of problems. Namely, French. I don't speak it. And I realize that Quebec French is different that French-French (I imagine it's like the difference between British English and American English. Two countries divided by a common language).

But the point is, I need to figure out some colleges for the characters to be at/apply to. The problem is, I'm taking Spanish. So I'm just guessing at most of the sentences and hoping that the words I think are cognates are actual cognates. I also have no way of knowing what the college is really like.

So, if you speak French, or better yet, live in Quebec, I would be delighted to hear from you. Super bonus points if you're in the process of applying to colleges or go to one.

I am now going to attempt to wish all my readers a Merry Christmas and a New Year in their own languages. I apologize in advance and place full blame on this site (.) for most errors. The conversion from email to Word doc gets the rest of the blame. In fact, if your language isn't there, that's probably why.

shèngdàn kuàilè xīnnián kuàilè

Glædelig jul og godt nytår

Hyvää joulua ja onnellista uutta vuotta

Joyeux Noël et bonne année

Frohe/Fröhliche Weihnachten und ein gutes neues Jahr / ein gutes Neues / und ein gesundes neues Jahr / und einen guten Rutsch ins neue Jahr

Śubh krisamas Naye sāl kī hārdik śubhkāmnayen

Kellemes Karácsonyt és boldog új évet

Selamat Hari Natal dan Tahun Baru

Mirary noely sambatra Arahabaina tratrin'ny taona vaovao

Meri Kirihimete me nga mihi o te tau hou kia koutou katoa

God jol og godt nyttår

Wesołych Świąt I Szczęśliwego Nowego Roku!

Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo / Um Santo e Feliz Natal

S Roždestvom Khristovym i S nastupayuščim Novym Godom

Crăciun fericit şi un an nou fericit

¡Feliz Navidad y próspero año Nuevo!

God jul och gott nytt år

Happy Christmas and a happy New Year!

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

Look on the bright side, at least I'm not trying to pronounce any of those. Now on with the chapter!

**Chapter 7**

"Bedroom now," Envy hisses as soon as they're out of earshot.

"Sure," Ed says, but does not increase his pace.

"Now," Envy says and grabs Ed's wrist. He practically pulls Edward up the stairs. Edward allows Envy this and shuts the door after Envy flings it open. He stands and watches as Envy throws himself on the bed and looks over at Ed expectantly.

"Wouldn't you prefer it if we took things slow?" Ed says, his voice low and deep. "We could cuddle or just talk."

Envy looks outraged.

"Why are you being like this?" Envy suddenly asks. "Why are you flaunting your control? Don't you want this." He gestures at his body, standing. "Don't you want me?"

"Easy, Envy," Ed says, smiling his ridiculous smile. "I was only kidding. Besides, there's the matter of the door. If I'm going to properly deflower you, I don't want WAF bursting in."

Before Envy can point out that he's already _been _deflowered and Ed's the virginal one, the meaning catches up with him. Just how far is Ed going to take this? How much does Envy trust Ed's control. Sure he stopped for high tide, but the question is, would he stop for Envy?

"How far are you going to go with me?" Envy says, swallowing hard. He doesn't want to be played with, but if Edward doesn't do something, if he just keeps staring, Envy will die. He wants Edward to touch him, to make him feel, but he has to trust Ed, and if it's just a game to him…

"However far you'll let me," Edward says, sauntering over to Envy. He's turned Envy's plea for reassurance into an innuendo. Envy's not sure what to feel, it sounds like he's getting what he wants, but…

"Relax, Envy," Ed says, speaking normally. "You know I could never hurt you."

He has his arms around Envy and Envy wants to believe him, wants to trust, but…

"Really," Edward says, pulling back to look Envy in the eye. "I can stop at any time you need me to."

"That's different," Envy says, resting his forehead against Ed's shoulder. "You had to stop then, it was always an emergency."

"Are you kidding me," Ed says. "There were quite a few times in there where all it would've took was for me to say 'It's alright Winry, I don't mind the blood' or 'Who cares, it's just a goat' or 'No, the obese person is seriously blind' or 'Let's give my mom the heart attack she deserves' and we would've continued and I wouldn't be a virgin. I even think Winry wanted me to say something like that half the time. But I thought it would've killed the mood and I didn't want to pressure her or anything.

"Really, you're perfectly safe with me, just ask Winry."

"You serious?" Envy asks.

"Yeah," Ed says. "I promise."

"Thanks," Envy says and stares at the floor. "I'm sorry I ke—"

"Hey, no problem," Ed says, "Just help me barricade the door and we'll call it even."

When that was done, Ed turns to Envy.

"Now, what exactly did you want me to do," he asks.

"I—I don't know," Envy says. Suddenly, now that he has a choice, now that he's in control, he doesn't know what he wants, exactly. In general, he'd like to have Edward ravish him thoroughly, but specifically. Specifically, Envy is lost.

"Hmm," Ed says, pushing Envy back to the bed. "Maybe we should just cuddle."

Envy yanks Edward down on top of him and they fall to the bed. Envy kisses Ed sloppily, but Ed doesn't seem to mind. He smiles into the kiss and runs his hands down Envy's sides.

"Maybe not," Edward says to Envy softly. Envy pushes Edward's head down to his chest, he wants ravishment, not cuddling.

"Hey, hey, hey," Edward says, pulling away. "What's with you, Envy?"

"I want you to," Envy stops. He can't say it. He can't tell Edward that he wants to be bitten, licked, and reduced to a moaning, squirming puddle of goo. Ed flops down on the bed next to Envy.

"How about," Ed says, kissing the spot beneath Envy's ear. "We just do." He nibbles on Envy's earlobe. "Stuff like." Ed's tongue discovers Envy's cartilage piercing. "This?" Ed's hand reaches under Envy's shirt and he draws lazy circles across Envy's stomach. "That good enough?"

_Mmmmh._ Envy almost purrs. Maybe it does count. It's not as intense as what he'd imagined, but it's still undeniably nice.

"There, there, just relax," Edward says, his voice deep. He kisses his way down Envy's neck and back up. He loosens Envy's tie and unbuttons his shirt. Envy sighs contentedly. He's enjoying this, the gentleness. He never got it with Kimblee. It's almost as if Ed's trying to make a point, show Envy what it's really all about.

Envy rolls over suddenly to face Ed.

"What you said about boarding school, were you serious?" Envy asks, looking into Edward's eyes. Edward strokes the small of Envy s back and Envy dares to bury a hand in Ed's hair.

"Well, yeah," Edward says, closing his eyes. A contented smile appears on his face. "If Mom goes for it.

"Really?" Envy asks, searching Ed's face for any hint of, of what? At this point, Envy isn't even sure. There's not going to ever be malice, Ed's just not the type of person to spend time on cruelty. He's too hotheaded. But, still. Envy has to look, just in case.

"Mmmmh," Ed says, sighing as Envy continues to stroke his hair. "'Course, Why wouldn't I be?"

Envy shrugs.

Because it's too good to be true?

"No, but yeah," Edward says after a moment. "I'm not particularly attached to anyone at my high school, 'cept for Winry and Russell, though maybe not Winry so much. I'm leaving for college next year anyways. Besides, a private boarding school would be great prep for college."

Envy relaxes. Ed's argument makes sense.

"And then," Edward says, opening his eyes. "There's _you._"

"Me?" Envy asks, eyes wide.

"Yep," Edward says, leaning close. His lips brush against Envy's neck. "Private boarding school means no parental supervision."

Envy shivers and gasps when Ed bites his neck gently. He curls his toes and squirms when Ed runs his fingers down Envy's sides slowly, so slowly. Ed brushes his dry lips against Envy throat.

"Think about it," Edward says, his voice low and husky. "We could be roommates."

The words take a while to sink in. Roommates. As in they could do this every night if they wanted to. No one would be the wiser. They'd have an entire room to themselves. And, and, that wasn't even the best part. The best part was that Ed made friends as easily as breathing and Envy could share those friends. He'd be happy, even when Ed left for college, Envy would have friends. Then he'd apply to Ed's college, get in and…

And what? Envy was reading way too far into this. They'd just met each other today, tonight, and Envy was thinking about after college. He's way too serious about this.

"Wow," Envy says, leaning closer to Ed.

"Yeah, wow," Edward whispers and softly brushes his lips against Envy's. Envy closes his eyes and the kiss is soft and sweet, better than anything Envy could've ever imagined. It's perfect and it feels so strange, this not wanting more. It's finally enough and Envy's happy.

When Edward finally breaks the kiss, they stay still, staring at each other. Edward watches Envy's face, he's smiling and he finally has lost the scared guarded look. Good, he shouldn't ever look that way again. He's too pretty.

Ah, Edward. And you think you don't have a hero complex.

They keep saying nothing. Envy, because even though he knows what he wants to tell Edward ("Wow, you're amazing" or maybe "So, this is what it's supposed to be like" or the comment that will forever brand him as a completely hopeless romantic: "You've restored my faith in love."), it all sounds too… _clingy_ and _girly_. And, and almost redundant. Ed _knows_ what's happened to Envy. Therefore, he has to know what's going through Envy's mind, or at least be able to guess.

Ed, on the other hand, has missed this. Just laying down and not doing anything. If he really thinks about it, it's the thing he loved most about Winry. That they could just sorta _be_ together and didn't have to always be doing something. It's that Snow Patrol song that Winry hates, but Ed always had stuck in his head. He'd hum it and she'd smack him and they'd giggle and it was really great.

Edward smiles and hums the lines of the song. Envy gives him a puzzled look, like he's trying to figure something out.

"If I lay here, if I just lay here," Edward whispers on a whim. A look of comprehension flashes across Envy's face.

"Will you lie with me and just forget the world," Envy finishes, grinning broadly. Edward grins back. This is beyond perfect. He seriously doubts this could get any better.

"I love that song," Envy says, not breaking eye contact.

"Winry hates it," Edward says. "She'd smack me every time I sung it."

"I can see why," Envy says and Edward waits for the inevitable crack about his voice. "I saw this post online. Written by this girl. She hadn't seen the music video, but she said that she has this friend, who was bi, and she was in love with this other girl. The girl said that her friend had that song as her mood for awhile, wrote a journal blog about it. Then apparently the bi girl's crush, turned out to be straight and drama and heartbreak followed. And that's what the bi girl's friend thinks about whenever she hears the song. She says the song always sounds sorta hopeless to her, since the singer's asking, which implies that the love interest has to be asked and probably won't consider it.

"I guess that's what ruined it for her. The asking. She said it's a nice thought, but it should just happen of it's own accord. So I can see why Winry doesn't like the song much."

Edward laughs softly.

"That's not it at all," Edward says. Envy looks confused. "Winry doesn't like the song because she says it's a break up song. To her it's just the guy clinging on to the relationship, but not really trying to make it work, maybe because it's past the point where they could do anything. She called it a last plea for a break-up cuddle because he's too in touch with his feminine side to ask for break-up sex."

"Oh," Envy says and falls silent. "What do you think about the song?"

Edward blushes and looks up at Envy through his lashes.

"Okay, I know it's stupid, but it's always been more of a beginning song, like the beginning of a relationship." Ed's face is a brilliant red. "Like the singer is inviting his girl, or guy, to come just enjoy life by his side, like no pressure. And I know its kind of lame and all, but the lay with me and forget the world bit has always described the perfect relationship for me."

That has to be the cutest thing Envy has ever heard. He wonders idly if this isn't some weird sort of dream. Edward's almost too perfect to be real.

"I think—"

And before Envy can tell Ed just what's on his mind there's a knock at the door.

"Edward, honey," Mrs. Elric calls. Envy stares at Edward with widen eyes. Uh-oh is written clearly on his face. He begins to button up his shirt frantically. "Why don't you bring Envy down. He's probably bored to death in your room."

Edward rolls his eyes and chokes back a snort. He knows for a fact that Envy is not bored and would rather remain in his room, alone, than socialize with his relatives and Edward's ex. But he can't exactly explain that to his mother.

"Where are Wrath, Al, and Fletcher?" Edward asks, offhandedly, as he gently removes Envy's hands from his shirt. In Envy's moment of panic, Envy's managed to get off on his buttoning. Nothing says We Were Fooling Around like an improperly buttoned shirt.

"Oh," Mrs. Elric says, pausing. "I'm not sure, I think they're asleep or playing video games."

"Good," Edward says, straightening Envy's tie. He fixes his own clothing and tries not to be self-conscious, even though he can feel Envy's purple eyes following his every move.

Envy flinches when Ed's mother tries the door.

"Edward?" she questions, but the door doesn't budge.

"Wouldn't have to barricade the door if his little brother understood what a closed door meant," Ed says, offering Envy his hand. Envy takes it and hops off the bed with a smile.

"Chivalrous, aren't we?" Envy says, dangerously close to Ed's ear. His mom is on the other side of the door and could come waltzing in at any moment.

"Shut up," Edward hisses. He's blushing, again. He hates being teased about his heroic tendencies. He's not normally this bad either. It's Winry's fault really, he tells himself. She hates chivalry and lumps it together with patriarchy and patronizing tones.

And now that she's not around to smack Ed with a wrench, all his knight-in-shining-armor moves are coming out. It's getting embarrassing. But Envy looks so frail and vulnerable…

"Don't worry," Envy says, moving a safe distant away from Edward. "I think it's cute."

"I—uh"

"What was that Ed, honey?"

"Um, nothing Mom," Edward says, eyeing the door warily. He doesn't want to leave the room.

"What on earth are you boys up to in there?" she asks, when Ed finally opens the door. Ed is aware that Envy is shooting him a guilty look and if he makes eye contact his mother might jump to the right conclusions and start a lecture on rebounds and safe sex. Ed is pretty sure he will die if his mother ever extols the virtues of condom use to him, in front of someone whom Ed might use said condom on.

"Oh nothing," Edward says with a vague hand motion. "We were just discussing music, ya know?"

Ed elbows Envy in the ribs. If he doesn't say something, he's going to ruin everything. And while Trisha may be tipsy, she isn't stupid and Ed really doesn't want to have to trust the amnesia inducing power of alcohol too much.

"Uh, yeah," Envy says and Edward tries not to wince. He sounds so guilty. Maybe Mom will just mistake it as shyness, Edward hopes. Yes, wouldn't that be nice and convenient Ed.

"You didn't make him listen to that whiny, emotional boy band, did you," Trisha turns to Ed and gives him a mock-stern look. "What are they called? The Free? The Fraid?"

"Oh, no, Mrs. Elric," Envy says, as both pairs of Elric eyes turn to him. "I love the Fray."

"He's also into Snow Patrol," Edward supplies helpfully.

"Oh," Trisha says, surprised. She blinks quickly and recovers. "Well, Ed I'm so glad that you found a friend. But why don't you come down and socialize."

Edward heaves a huge sigh.

"You can exchange music later," Trisha adds.

"Alright, Mom," Edward says and follows Trisha downstairs. He almost misses Envy whispered comment of: "Oh we're going to be exchanging a lot more than just music."

Edward bursts out laughing and Envy just shrugs when Trisha looks back at them, as if trying to pry something out of them. Edward mutters something about an inside joke in between giggles. Trisha shakes her head and wonders off to go find her husband. She has to get Dante to tell him about that private school.

**~fin.**

So, yes, Quebec people and French speakers, contact me. You'll also get a sneak peak of next chapter's plot because I'm going to have to give you guys context, right?

Now go review Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. It's good, I promise. Let's let Indigo's Ocean know just how much we want her to keep updating.


	9. Chapter 9

So, it's little late considering that Christmas is over and all. But hey, I like Christmas and winter in general. Personally, I think it should be winter all year because winter is awesome, I have awesome winter clothes, and there's snow and skiing and ski team. Though summer skiing at Mt. Hood is pretty boss. So, I guess having other seasons is okay…

However Indigo and I have a new competition. Two updates per month or we have to read Twilight fanfiction and leave nice reviews. (Note: due to the fact that this is punishment, "This is waaay better than the book" does not count, regardless of truth.)

Dear Twilight Fans: Yes, I think Twilight sucks. There's nothing you can do about it. I write better than she and you will never convince me otherwise.

Any out-of-character-ness has been rationalized as drunkenness and is, in no way, related to laziness on the part of the author. Just tell me if it bugs you and I'll fixit later, but for now, let's just pretend that it's due to the alcohol consummation.

**Chapter 8**

Edward walks into what his mother calls the "great room." It deserves the title, with its five and a half meter ceiling and the five meter Christmas tree in the corner. Out of reflex, Edward glances upwards, checking the balcony-like hallway for WAF. It's safe. His mother calls it a catwalk, but Ed dislikes the word. Especially because the so-called catwalk leads to his parents bedroom. Nothing that leads to his parents bedroom should be called a _catwalk_.

Sloth and Russell are sitting in the large chair by the Christmas tree. Well, rather Russell is sitting in the chair and keeps trying to pull Sloth off the arm of the chair and into his arms. Sloth looks like she's trying to disappear behind the decorated branches of the tree.

Greed and Winry are sitting on the couch together. There's room, but Envy would feel uncomfortable, sitting that close to Ed's ex of five hours, one minute, and twenty eight seconds. And Edward really didn't want first row seats to Greed and Winry's clandestine groping session (Edward hadn't actually seen anything, but he'd engaged in enough of those sessions with Winry to recognize the symptoms).

He walks over by the fire places and sat down, leaning his back against the shelf-like hearth. Envy follows quickly. A buxom woman in a tight, low cut dress walked into the room and took a seat on the couch. She was followed by a short, possessive looking fat man.

Edward didn't miss Winry's quick analysis of the dress. This is the woman he'd seen when he'd arrived. The dress is the one he cautioned Winry against buying. And from the looks of it, she's recognized the dress as well.

"Lust!" Sloth exclaims, lurching forward. Russell looked surprised when she planted a hand on his thigh to steady herself.

"Sloth, I didn't see you," Lust says, watching with bemusement as Sloth tries to lean around the branches.

"It's this—"

"Allow me," Russell says, plucking Sloth's glass of sparkling cider from her hand and placing it down next to his on the hearth. Effortlessly he moves the chair forward. Sloth falls into his lap. Russell doesn't seem too displeased.

"You did that on purpose," Sloth accuses, turning to Russell. She doesn't move from his lap, Edward notices. Well, good for him, though Edward won't be surprised if Russell ruins it within the hour. He has a certain knack for wrecking potential relationships before they happen.

"I didn't spill your drink," Russell says, handing it back to her.

"You've found yourself quite a gentleman," Lust says, her voice low and sultry. Russell preens. Edward rolls his eyes. Envy raises an eyebrow.

"He's been practicing his debonairness," Edward whispered in explanation.

"He's not mine!" Sloth says, indignant. She does look particularly happy. Edward watches as she glares at the fat man. Edward frowns, puzzled. He hasn't heard the man speak at all. The man turns to Lust and whispers something to her. Lust listens intently and nods. She's smiling, but when she draws back there's drool on her face. She wipes it away with a sneer. _Disgusting_.

"Yet," Russell mutters. Sloth glares at him. Silence. Then:

"I like your dress," Winry says. "It looks good on you."

"I know, it's one of my favorites," Lust says, pleased. She strokes the dress. "It's from Bebe—"

"I know," Winry says, interrupting Lust. "I was thinking about buying it but _someone_ said it wouldn't look good on me."

"Oh," Lust says, cocking her head to the side. "Why not?"

"He said it only looked good on the model because she was flat-chested," Winry says. "He was obviously wrong."

"I take it you were looking at it online?"

Winry nods.

"Well, there's your problem," Lust says, flipping her long wavy hair back. "This isn't the dress in the website. That dress would look awful on you, or me."

"I don't think any thing would look awful on you," Winry mutters. The boys in the room agree. (Greed doesn't have an opinion and does not consider himself a boy.) It's hard to imagine Lust in anything unflattering.

"Trust me," Lust says. "But I'm friends with the designer and since I liked the dress, she offered to do one for bigger busted woman. It'll be available next year, probably in a pattern or something."

"Oh," Winry says. Edward sighs. The only reason Winry had been considering the dress was because Edward had hinted he might be able to help pay for it as part of her Christmas present. Now, well, that remains to be seen.

"Here," Lust says, pulling a small business card out of her purse. "This is the designer's business card. Just tell her that Lust Alighieri sent you. She should be able to set you up. She's rather junior, and she'd been trying to develop a line. At the moment it's purely experimental, the company doesn't appreciate her."

"Thank you," Winry says, taking the card.

"So are you considering going into fashion designer?" Lust asks. Edward admires the artful segue into the University Discussion that all adults feel they must have with anyone of age to be applying to schools.

"Well, no, not really," Winry says, "I've never really considered it."

"And what have you considered?"

"Architecture. My parents always wanted me to be a doctor, though," Winry says and Edward is surprised. Winry doesn't normally volunteer information about her parents. Not when those questions have the potential to lead to other questions, questions like 'why do you live with your grandmother?' or 'where do they work?' Little questions, innocent questions, that nobody ever thinks twice about asking. And Edward can't help it, he bristles. In his defense, Greed would do the same, Edward rationalizes. He just doesn't know about it.

Right, Edward. Ever considered separation anxiety as an alternative answer?

"Oh, well, you should do whatever you'd feel happiest doing," Lust says, skillfully avoiding any emotional landmines. "Don't feel bad if that changes. My designer friend started off in architecture. What schools have you applied to?"

"Loads, but I really want to go to UQÀM," Winry says. "I like the campus and it's close to home."

"Greed goes there," Lust says as her (half?) brother grins.

"You didn't tell me," Winry says, pouting.

"I didn't? Must've slipped my mind," Greed says as Winry bombards him with a barrage of questions about the college. What's the campus like? Who does he hang out with? What are the professors like? Where do his friends go for lunch? What about sports teams?

"You, Sloth's not-yet-gentleman, where have you applied?"

"Well Miss Alighieri—"

"Oh please," she says, giggling. "I'm engaged." She flashes an elegant ring with a gemstone so massive, Edward wondered how he missed it. Lust patted her fiancé's arm. "He proposed tonight."

"Ah—well," Russell says and glances at Sloth. She looks equally stunned and is no help to Russell.

"I know I'm not married yet," Lust says quickly. "But, well, just call me Lust."

"Right then," Russell says and Edward can tell he's just resolved never to refer to Lust by any name. "I'm applying to McGill, Concordia, Université du Québec à Montréal, Université de Montréal, Université Laval, Université de Sherbrooke, Colby College, Boston College, Dartmouth, Brown and UBC in Vancouver."

"A very diverse, yet _very _familiar list," Lust manages to get out before Sloth drowns her out.

"Are you kidding me?" she exclaims.

Russell shakes his head.

"No."

"You've got to be joking," Sloth says and downs the rest of her sparkling cider. Though Ed is suspicious of its alcoholic content. It's almost _too_ bubbly and why else would she gulp it down?

"No," Russell says. "That's where I'm applying . What's wrong? Don't think I'll get in anywhere?"

"Oh it's not," Lust says, smiling smugly. "Tell him why, Sloth."

"Shut up, bitch," Sloth says, glaring at her half sister. Edward doesn't know. They don't have the same last name, but they look enough alike. Or perhaps they just resemble their mother more than either of their fathers.

"Well," Lust replies shortly. "Why don't you just tell them where you're applying? Or are you afraid of being a copycat?"

"Shut up, Lust."

"Look, just because he's different from—"

"Ed, where are you going to university?" Sloth asks, ignoring Lust.

"Uh," Edward responds, unsure of how to proceed. He doesn't want to involve himself in family affairs.

"And you've applied to all the same schools," Lust continues.

"You have?" Russell asks. Somehow he manages to keep the eagerness out of his voice.

"Yes," Sloth says. "And no, Lust I don't care what you think. Don't you get any ideas, either."

"What ideas?" Russell asks. Sloth's face is red and her composure is slipping. Envy watches his sister with interest. Sure he'd seen her this way before. Lust enjoys winding her only sister up, especially at public events. Just like Greed likes to wind Envy. Envy would wind Wrath up, but Wrath's disappeared somewhere. It's a family thing. But the younger siblings normally react violently or storm off, Sloth hasn't done either, yet.

Perhaps Russell means something to her or maybe she'd sick of running from Lust. Or, and he knows it's uncharitable but he's not blind, but Sloth just might be too drunk to walk straight. She's normally excellent at hiding her levels of intoxication and the fact that she even looks tipsy says something.

That and there's no way what Sloth just chugged was sparkling cider.

"That—"

"You like—"

"I would never dream of inferring anything about you," Russell says evenly. "Aside from the fact, that _I_ apparently have excellent taste in schools."

Lust falls silent.

"Now which schools do you like best?" Russell asks Sloth. He's smiling, Envy notes. And he's been discreetly rubbing her hand. Sloth doesn't seem to notice, or if she does, she doesn't mind.

"I like Université de Sherbrooke, Concordia, Université Laval, and Boston College best," Sloth says. "They're my top ones, and I suppose they're your top ones too."

"Err, well," Russell looks guilty. "They actually are and I swear it's not because you like them. That in no way shape or form affects my decision. At all."

"Right," Sloth says, but she doesn't sound convinced. "Edward, you've been rather silent, where are you planning to go?"

"Unlike you two, I'm staying in Québec," Edward says and Envy smiles. Good. With luck whatever college Edward chooses will be close to the boarding school. "But I've applied to UQÀM, Université de Sherbrooke, Université de Montréal and McGill."

"Very nice," Lust says, rising. Her husband whispers something to her and she nods. "Gluttony says he wants to re-join the adults. _Ta_."

The instant Lust is out of earshot, Sloth sighs.

"Ugh, I'd thought she'd never leave," Sloth says, crossing her arms. Russell removes her empty glass and sets it down with his. "She's just so smug and irritating."

"Hmm. I liked her," Winry says, weighing in.

"You would," Sloth hisses. Then, in a high mocking voice. " 'Lust, I like your dress' 'Lust, you couldn't look bad in anything'." Sloth wrinkles her nose. " 'Lust, set me up with this designer.'" Sloth returns to normal tones, but moves her hands wildly. Russell ducks. "God, it was disgusting. She doesn't _need_ any more people _faaah-ning_ over her. She gets it enough from Gluttony, _el viejo verde_."

Sloth hiccups.

"I don't feel so well," she says, lurching to her feet.

"Here, let me," Russell says, rising to steady her. "Let's go to the bathroom."

"Probably want to avoid the ground floor one, you know Gluttony's fetishes," Greed says offhandedly.

"Great, now I'm really going to be sick," Sloth snaps. She glares at Greed. He shrugs.

"Besides," Edward cuts in. "Mom likes to put the rolls we savage from TP-ers in there. She's probably changed them, but…"

"Let's go upstairs," Russell says, guiding Sloth towards the staircase. She follows without protest.

**Fin.**

_El viejo verde _means (the) dirty old man in Spanish. Literally it means the green man.

Thank you to all the reviewers and French speakers that made this possible. You guys rock!


	10. Chapter 10

Double update! You know you love me!

Christmas never ends! (This is why there will be no V-day fic from me)

As for any inconsistencies with the schooling systems, that's mainly due to the fact that I'm an American (can Obama just take over now?!? Before Bush ruins yet another thing.) and as such, have no experience with schools in Quebec or France.

Volunteer for an IM interview (Quebec people only [for obvious reasons]), bear with me, or if you can't do either, just pretend that this is an Alternate Universe and Quebec has school systems similar (but not the same) as those found in the US. Know that I will go back and fix this as soon as I get the whole thing posted because it bugs me too.

**Chapter 9**

Everyone winces at the faint retching sound coming from the upstairs bathroom.

"She has no alcohol tolerance," Envy whispers to Ed.

"Could've fooled me," Edward whispers back.

"She just," Envy stops suddenly.

"Your sister hates me," Winry says, loudly.

"Nah, Sloth and Lust don't get along. It's really nothing," Greed says, trying to reassure Winry. His arm is still wrapped around her. Edward is jealous. Not because she's his ex. Well, a little. But mainly because, even though he'd love to, he can't wrap his arms around Envy. Instead he has to worry about outing Envy or what coming out means to him, to either of them. It's new to him, this uncertainty. And he has to wonder, why on earth do some people think this is a _choice?_

Why would anyone in their right mind choose this whole mess of a lifestyle? Discrimination—Ed's never faced any as of yet. Hate—okay there have to be some people that hate him, but Ed likes to think that they hate him because they lose to him in rugby or something. He doesn't _know _ them or anything. _Looks_—okay, he's gotten looks before with girlfriends even. But those are the people that would give overly affectionate married people _looks_.

Yet, if Ed did have a choice, he'd still choose Envy. Why? Well, well, to tell you the truth, Edward doesn't want to answer that question just yet. He has an idea, but even the idea of the idea sounds awkward and stupid, so he just avoids thinking about it. All he knows is that Envy is better.

"But why was she so awful?" Winry asks. Ed sighs. She always gets whiny when she's tipsy. It's one of the things he hates about her. This whiny, bitchy, bratty side. He's pretty sure _Winry_ would hate it too, if she ever realized it.

"Sloth," Envy said, speaking in audible tones for the first time this evening. "Has _no_ alcohol tolerance."

"Yeah," Greed says. "I forgot about that."

"She wasn't even drinking straight alcohol," Winry complains, twirling her hair around her finger. It's a nervous habit, not a seduction technique, but Greed can't take his eyes off of her hand. "She made Russell mix it with sparkling cider."

"Still, it hits her hard," Envy says, shrugging. Edward moves his hand closer to Envy's. They're almost touching and Envy rests a delicate pinky on Edward's. Ed smiles. When Winry's tipsy she doesn't notice subtleties at all.

"She had eggnog earlier," Greed says, eyes still on her hand. "Not much, but some. And with dinner—"

"I don't care! She didn't have to be so mean," Winry says, running both hands through her hair. She slams them against her thighs. "Just because she doesn't like Lust." Greed grabs her hands and holds them gently.

" 'Doesn't like' hardly begins to cover how Sloth feels towards Lust," Envy says, folding his legs so that his and Ed's overlapped hands aren't visible. He squeezes Edward's hand. "Sloth does so many things just to piss of Lust and my dad."

"Like what?" Winry demands. Envy looks at Edward skeptically. He dated _this _for how long?

"Her clothes. My dad's conservative, Lust has designer friends. Sloth shops second hand shops and dresses… eclectically. Lust is a complete snob, Sloth likes to go slumming. Lust loves ultramodern stuff. Sloth, well," Envy pauses. "The whole indie-rocker retro scene could've been invented for her."

"Or by her," Greed adds.

"Sloth stopped riding horses when Lust started."

"No, Lust never rode much. Bebe just did those equestrian ads."

"She went riding though."

"Like three times."

"Whatever, it was enough. Sloth dropped dressage and picked up sidesaddle riding."

"Jumping, she did jumping too."

"Until Lust dated the Grand Prix winner."

"She still does vaulting and bareback."

"Four years ago my dad said that short hair looked bad on women," Envy says. Winry appears to be hypnotized by the rapid exchange Greed and Envy have started. Ed confused. Apparently Greed and Envy get along better than he'd thought.

"Sloth got a pixie cut."

"Lust told her it looked nice. She did to piss off my dad, but," Envy stops.

"Sloth started wearing hats and hasn't cut her hair since."

"Lust keeps mocking Sloth's constant boyfriends. Calls 'em bodyguard s and bruisers. Sloth hates that. She'll normally call Lust a slut and a bitch and accuse her of toying with others feelings."

"Isn't that what Sloth does?" Greed asks. "I haven't seen her with a long term guy."

"Yeah," Envy agrees. "She tends to go through them rather fast. I don't think she's even seriously dated any of them. But her exes don't hate her. Not like Lust's."

"She's gotten some pretty psychotic ones."

"But what do I have to do with it?" Winry demands.

"Well," Greed says, clearly not wanting to mess up anything.

"You complimented Lust," Envy says. "And you didn't seem to mind Gluttony."

"If she loves him that's not my problem," Winry snaps. "Just because I'm respectful." Edward laughs and very quickly turns it into a cough. "Doesn't mean she has the right to—"

"Lust doesn't love Gluttony," Greed says. Winry looks as though she's about to protest.

"Oh, she's a very skilled actress," Envy says. "She's even been in a few movies. R-rated, of course. She was dating the director at the time and well, he did type cast."

"You don't know that!" Winry retorts.

"Winry," Edward says, in a calming voice. "Don't you think her brothers—"

"Half," Envy and Greed both clarify.

"Might know something?" Edward finished.

"Still," Winry says, glaring at everyone.

"Gluttony is nothing like Lust's usual type," Greed says.

"And what is her type?"

"Tall, blond, handsome, loaded," Envy answers quickly. "She always picks the prettiest guys and she's had more romantic proposals before. More extravagant ones too. She's had the hottest models in the world chasing her for years."

"Maybe she's found true love," Winry says. Edward sighs. There' s no talking sense into her at this rate. He'd forgotten just how bad a drunk Winry is. The fact that she might be wondering about the validity of her only relationship and the sexuality of her only boyfriend, her only _ex_-boyfriend, has not occurred to Edward.

Envy laughs.

"Lust doesn't _believe_ in love," he says. "She mocks Sloth for that too."

"How do you know—"

"Winry," Greed says quietly. "Lust has said so. Gluttony is the sole owner of a very lucrative international business. Lust isn't stupid and she has a scary incredible amount of ambition and business sense. She plans to start her own designer label. She's made friends of all the under-appreciated talented new designers. Sure they work for other companies, but if Lust offers them the right positions… well, they'll accept."

"So why doesn't she do it now, your family's—" Winry cuts herself off.

"Dante doesn't like the idea, she says it's too risky," Greed says. "And it is. A fashion line can easily fail. Even with the best designers, plus the current economy."

"That's where Gluttony comes in," Envy says. "He's besotted with Lust. He's wealthy enough that a failed business won't matter. You saw the size of that ring. He's willing to do anything to get Lust. Figures she'd make a good trophy wife."

"She said that?" Winry asks. Greed nods.

"'Sides, Sloth'll probably apologize later, when she's sober," Envy says. "She's just wound up about Lust and other things. Probably and going to France and all. She doesn't think long distance relationships work out well."

"That depends," Winry says, staring at the Christmas tree. "Where is Sloth going in France?" she adds vaguely.

"Lycée Louis-le-Grand," Greed says. Envy shrugs. How Greed knows what school she's attending is beyond him. Envy didn't even know she was going abroad. Though, he was busy with other things and she might've mentioned it at the being of the term, when she kept trying to introduce him to new people.

"I think that's where Russell's going," Winry says. "Its somewhere in Paris. He won't shut up about it. Apparently Voltaire and Robespierre went there."

"That's Lycée Louis-le-Grand."

"That's bizarre," Envy says. "You sure Russell hasn't been stalking Sloth?"

"Uh," Edward says. "There is always that possibility. Though, I don't know where he'd find the time. Why's Russell just going for the semester? I thought he wasn't going to go at all?"

"Well, he got wait-listed," Winry says, in explanation. "I guess the current exchange student dropped out or something. And since Russell's been filing transfer apps like mad, I'm guessing he got the spot."

"Weird though, how it's the exact same school Sloth's going to," Greed says.

"Well," Ed says suddenly. He's socialized for twenty-two minutes and forty-one seconds. That was enough. It is definitely time to return to his room with Envy. "I promised to let Envy listen to the rest of my music collection."

Winry raises an eyebrow.

Ed mentally smacks himself. Of course, Winry knows what examining Ed's music collection is code for. He's used the excuse enough with _her_. He can't believe he didn't remember. Now Winry thinks he's either rubbing it in her face or just that stupid.

"You gonna show him the new Killers tracks?" Winry asks, acidly. The two times they'd tried to have sex to music, it had been to the Killer's new singles: Human and Spaceman. Those endeavors both failed.

The first time Ed had been attempting to drown out the sounds of the illegal and underaged teenage party out. He'd been in Al's room at the time and had riffled around for a song, any song that didn't suck. He wasn't about to lose his virginity to the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, or Al's weird headbanging cellist group from Finland. He'd been thrilled to find his new Killer's album in Al's room.

He'd popped in into the computer and cranked up the volume. It had worked very well at first. Winry had grinned and rolled her eyes. The Killer's just weren't her thing. Ed just smiled back at her.

He then had the "brilliant" idea to start dancing before the chorus. Just as Ed was waving his shirt about his head and rocking out as Winry giggled helplessly on the bed, Ed begun to hear things that were most certainly _not_ on the CD.

Namely a chorus of hyper, sugar-fueled children shouting "Are we human or are we dancers?!"

Ed had hastily put his shirt back on and peeked outside. Down in the Great Room, Al was leading an impromptu rave. Ed looked on in horror as a mob of screaming pre-teens jumping around. Al had spotted Ed and yelled at him to put "Thnks fr th mmrs" on next. Ed spent the rest on the night playing DJ.

The Spaceman Fiasco was simpler. He left the windows open and just after he'd taken off Winry's bra and his face between her breasts, Russell started ringing the doorbell. Ed had sworn and tried to get up. Winry had pulled him down and told him that whoever it was didn't matter and they'd go away and if they did, Ed could just turn the music up. Ed was very willing to listen to Winry. They'd just had a fight over this whole thing and he wanted it to work out this time. Who cared about a doorbell?

Russell, however, was not to be dissuaded and with the windows open, could hear the song. He set about starting a very spontaneous one man rave to Spaceman. Ed would've been impressed, had Russell not a) interrupted the possible best moment of his life, b) started singing loudly, c) woke the neighbors, and/or d) invited friends.

And from the way Winry was glaring at him, Edward could tell that she was remembering those two incidents as well. Only she was probably thinking that Ed was now going to go reenact both those situations without the interruptions.

"Yeah, Envy loves the Killers," Greed adds. Winry looks at him askance. Ed breathes a sigh of relief. He hopes that Envy actually likes the Killers and Greed doesn't have his own version of the code. He then just chalk it all up to coincidence.

"I just like their music videos," Envy says. He turns and whispers to Ed. "The lead guy is hot." He dashes upstairs and Edward shrugs and follows.

Sloth stiffens and sniffs as footsteps come up the stairs. Russell rubs her back gently. He'd rather be sprawled out on the laundry room floor, amongst Trisha's non-company towels, but Sloth preferred the top of the dryer.

"It has a lock. WAF proof." That's Edward's voice and Russell sighs with relief.

"It's just Ed, and probably Envy," he says to Sloth, still rigid in his arms. She's the most gorgeous girl he's ever met. "Don't worry."

"But what if they come in or try to," Sloth says, leaning her head on his shoulder. Russell grins, even though she's probably going to get her mascara all over his white shirt. He doesn't care. He's holding the most beautiful girl in the world, his shirt means nothing to him. If she wanted to pop the buttons off it, he wouldn't mind. She could tear it to shreds and he'd let her. Hell, he'd encourage her.

"They won't."

"What makes you sure?"

"We have this Understanding. It's composed mainly of tacit non-interference," Russell says. Technically he's breaking one of the Fourteen Points (Ed developed the treaty during the study of WWI) by telling Sloth, a _girl_, this. Though Ed is currently going after a guy and _that_ sure as hell wasn't included in the Fourteen Points.

"And?"

"Well, for example, we both liked Winry at the same time, but I'd just gotten a blowjob off of his ex, so he got to ask Winry out," Russell says. He instantly regrets mentioning Nora, but how else could he explain it? Besides, he feels he should come clean to Sloth. She deserves honesty.

"Wanna explain that?" Sloth asks, giving Russell The Look. He struggles not to grin. He's always felt that getting The Look is an integral part of having a girlfriend.

"Well, it's going to sound like an extremely jerkish thing to do, but it wasn't entirely my fault. Ed had just broken up with her. I think she tried to get him to do something other than paw at her embarrassedly. Probably went down on him or something. But, they broke up," Russell says.

"And she gave you a blowjob to get back at him?" Sloth asks and by the tone of her voice, Russell can tell that the wrong answer means Consequences. He does a mental victory dance. He's thrilled. Implied threats are another thing only girlfriends do. He's waited so long for this.

"No, she blew the entire soccer team."

"You're joking."

"I am most certainly not," Russell replies. He understands her reaction, though. It is hard to imagine. _He_ had a hard enough time believing it was true when it was happening.

"Like Edward would ever date someone like that."

"'Course he wouldn't, but Nora wasn't like that before they dated. Towards the end I think Ed was the only thing keeping her from doing stuff like that on a regular basis," Russell shrugs. Nora was interesting. Ed had gone on and on about how smart, fast, and talented she was and how she was interested in pursuing any of it.

Russell sighed, Edward was the type of person who actually followed all of the precautionary measures explained in Sex Ed. Not that that stopped him from getting it on quite regularly, if the amount of used condoms that Russell keeps discovering in the strangest places are any indication.

"So, how was it?" Sloth asks.

"Really disturbing actually. I wasn't the first guy so I knew where her mouth had been. The actual job, well, I'm not going to lie. It was nice, but disturbing. So disturbing." Russell shudders. "I'm surprised I didn't catch anything awful. So were a lot of the other guys. Nobody said no, but we all showered off again afterwards."

"Why'd she do it?"

"I think she was dared to," Russell says. "I never told Ed about all of it. I wasn't going tell him any of it, but Nora came up to me and said something like 'I enjoyed you yesterday, wanna repeat?' and walked off. I made something up about how she'd come onto me in the locker room. He wasn't happy, but he believed it. I felt it was better than letting him know that his ex was a mega-slut."

"So, I was more than happy to let him have Winry. It turned out to be a very good decision."

"Ah," Sloth says. She fishes for something in her pockets. It's a phone. She opens it and the laundry is bathed in a bluish glow. Russell looks at the screen. All he sees is a text message before Sloth snaps it shut, swearing softly.

Russell looks at her. He'd raise an eyebrow, but he can't. Not without scrunching one eye up and looking deranged.

"Oh, it's nothing," Sloth says quickly. "I was just expecting some guy—but he hasn't answered so."

"He's an idiot," Russell says. He is extreme aware of Sloth body. It's pressed against his and her head really hasn't moved much. She doesn't seem to notice his arm either.

"I met him on this stupid online site. He commented on my journal and then it just continued from there. He was so funny, he always made me laugh with his stupid icons. He sent me this e-card with dancing penguins for Halloween."

Sloth continues, but Russell's frozen. This whole thing sounds entirely too familiar.

"It was scary how much we had in common. We practically read each others minds. It was amazing. This year we'd planned to go to Lycée Louis-le-Grand in France but he didn't get in the first semester."

Shit.

She was going to kill him when she found out.

**Fin. **


End file.
